Died December 31, 1999 · Age 79
Elliott Richardson
Wonder what it must have felt like to be replaced by that loser Robert Bork?
192 stiffs · 1999
The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Died December 30, 1999 · Age 119
Sarah Knauss
Forget not famous, she's not even part of the conversation anymore.
Died December 19, 1999 · Age 85
Desmond Llewelyn
Apparently, his car had bullet-proof glass, a fog machine and a retractable assault rifle, but no seatbelts. Very clever, Q.
Died December 17, 1999 · Age 78
Rex Allen
Reports say that he was accidentally run over, by a woman who's described as either a caretaker or a friend. Whichever it was, she wasn't very good at it.
Died December 12, 1999 · Age 76
Joseph Heller
The essence of Catch-22 is that if you are concerned enough for your safety to ask to be declared insane, then you are sane enough to go into battle. The essence of Catch-23 is that if you stop breathing, you can't write anymore.
Died December 10, 1999 · Age 77
Franjo Tudjman
The final in the Eastern European Leader Derby of Death is Franjo over Vaclav by a nose.
Died December 6, 1999 · Age 52
Shirley Hemphill
Wait a minute, first Mama, now Shirley -- what the hell is happening!?
Died December 3, 1999 · Age 57
Madeline Kahn
It would appear that Gene Wilder, the one with the dick they call the "ovarian cancer wand," has struck again.
Died November 20, 1999 · Age 65
Winnie Palmer
She was a golfer's wife. Isn't that a riot? Let's hear it for The Kim Perrot Renovation.
Died November 13, 1999 · Age 84
Donald Mills
Last surviving member of a small, yet fervent cult of deviants who promoted their bizarre agenda of perversion with such musical propaganda as "Swing It Sister," "When You Were Sweet Sixteen" and "You Always Hurt The One You Love.
Died November 11, 1999 · Age 98
Gaby Casadesus
The celebrated French piano instructor who was known for her impeccable posture at the keyboard. In fact, for twelve consecutive years, she was voted Europe's Most Erect Pianist.
Died November 11, 1999 · Age 91
Vivian Fuchs
It took him 99 days to cross Antarctica, and then 42 years to die of pneumonia.
Died November 8, 1999 · Age 58
Lester Bowie
Never mind that he jumped around on stage like some kind of a goofball, David's dad could really play that horn.
Died November 8, 1999 · Age 100
Leon Stukelj
The Slovenian gymnast known for creating the Stukelj Maneuver, a move which was later eliminated from international compulsory competition when overt sex acts were banned.
Died November 7, 1999 · Age 60
Joe Serna
Truly embodying the American dream, he proved that anything is possible in this great country of ours. From his humble beginnings as a child farm laborer, he rose all the way up to being on 34 lists in The September Lee Jr.
Died November 4, 1999 · Age 41
Malcolm Marshall
One of the world's most accomplished and celebrated cricket players, which means he couldn't make it in a real sport.
Died October 31, 1999 · Age 24
Greg Moore
Drove his car into a wall at 220 miles per hour. That's a Canadian for you.
Died October 26, 1999 · Age 83
Charles Simons
He was Strom Thurmond's former law partner, which somehow raises a glimmer of hope in the eyes of millions.
Died October 25, 1999 · Age 42
Payne Stewart
The jet plane carrying this golfer (he was the stupid-looking one with the knickers) took off from Florida headed for Dallas, and ended up crashing into South Dakota. That, folks, is a serious slice.
Died October 24, 1999 · Age 77
John Chafee
This moderate Republican Senator (actually a donkey in elephant's clothing) was said to be the offspring of one of the most powerful families in all of Rhode Island. So, what, they had an indoor toilet?
Died October 20, 1999 · Age 82
Jack Lynch
As Ireland's Prime Minister, he made a promise to Northern Ireland not to stand by as violence raged. They're still waiting for Jack to put down his drink and do something.
Died October 19, 1999 · Age 99
Nathalie Sarraute
French chick, credited with paving the way for the "new novel" movement, and best known for writing about imperceptible movements. Must be working on a real dilly.
Died October 16, 1999 · Age 78
Jean Shepherd
Marshall McLuhan once called him "the first radio novelist." Interestingly, he once called Marshall McLuhan "a dried up old bag of shit."
Died October 12, 1999 · Age 63
Wilt Chamberlain
Never mind the official cause, everybody knows that he simply fucked himself to death.
Died October 6, 1999 · Age 62
Gorilla Monsoon
No, of course that wasn't his real name, but as a professional wrestler, he needed something that sounded more menacing than Monkey Drizzle.
Died October 3, 1999 · Age 78
Akio Morita
The co-founder of Sony Corp. and chairman of the multi-billion dollar international conglomerate for nearly 20 years. Not bad for a guy who started out running Arnold's diner on Happy Days.
Died October 2, 1999 · Age 53
Kickboy Face
After more than 20 years of loudly calling for all the sober, uptight, boring assholes in the world to fuck off and die, he fucked off and died.
Died September 26, 1999 · Age 91
Oseola McCarty
Would it have killed her to send US a few bucks? Oh. It would have? OK.
Died September 24, 1999 · Age 65
Judith Exner
She may or may not have slept with JFK when he was President, but she's sure as hell sleeping with him now.
Died September 22, 1999 · Age 71
George Scott
Americans love a winner. As a general rule, however, they are considerably less enamored with a 250-pound mass of lifeless flesh.
Died September 17, 1999 · Age 71
Frankie Vaughan
Sort of a poor man's Anthony Newley. How frightening is that?
Died September 9, 1999 · Age 76
Ruth Roman
An amazingly resilient woman, she survived not only the sinking of the Andrea Doria, but also four dates with a Bonzo-era Ronald Reagan.
Died September 5, 1999 · Age 71
Alan Clark
Sounds like he was kind of a swinger, except for the stories of him flirting with Margaret Thatcher. Eeuuuuuuu.
Died September 2, 1999 · Age 87
Charles Lowe
He was the manager-husband of Carol Channing, who recently sued him for divorce. She claimed, among other things, that they had had sex a total of twice in 40 years. We've been wondering what made him do it the second time.
Died August 30, 1999 · Age 23
Matt Hartl
As a redshirt freshman for the Northwestern Wildcats, Matt was used primarily as a blocking back. Henceforth, he will be used primarily as fertilizer.
Died August 19, 1999 · Age 32
Kim Perrot
That's the way the stupid little orange and white ball bounces.
Died August 10, 1999 · Age 57
Bob Herbert
Creator of the Spice Girls. So, he couldn't've had this car crash, like, three years earlier?
Died August 10, 1999 · Age 71
Jennifer Paterson
Chain-smoking co-host of a cooking show called "Two Fat Ladies" which featured recipes heavy on the butter. How is it possible that none of us saw this coming?
Died August 7, 1999 · Age 91
Kazuo Miyagawa
The great Japanese cinematographer who was affectionately referred to by Akira Kurosawa as "Needle dick."
Died July 27, 1999 · Age 78
Malachi Martin
From being a Jesuit priest and an associate of Pope John XXIII during the era of the Second Vatican Council, Mal made the natural vocational progression and wrote the best-selling thriller "Hostage To The Devil" in 1976. Look it up.
Died July 23, 1999 · Age 70
King Hassan
He once had a birthday party where nearly 100 people died. It's good to be the king.
Died July 16, 1999 · Age 33
Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy
Authorities suspicious of foul play in this case might want to look into the activities of a player named Byzantium.
Died July 16, 1999 · Age 38
John F. Kennedy Jr.
Now the leading candidate for People magazine's Sexiest Man Who Used To Be Alive.
Died July 15, 1999
Steve Heaston
Whaddyamean, not a celebrity? He was only the second-best water polo coach that Cal University's ever had. Ingrates.
Died July 14, 1999
Stanley Durwood
He's credited with inventing the multiplex theater, which means he's directly responsible for turning the majestic Grauman's Chinese into three stuffy little closets. If we had ever heard of him, he might've made a Hate List.
Died July 11, 1999 · Age 88
Willard Munger
The man known as "Mr. Environment" in Minnesota is now part of the environment in Minnesota.
Died July 11, 1999 · Age 82
Helen Forrest
These days, you can't see Miss Forrest for the trees that are growing in right on top of her.
Died July 8, 1999 · Age 69
Pete Conrad
Astronaut Conrad has slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God by wiping out on his motorcycle.
Died July 6, 1999 · Age 97
Joaquin Rodrigo
He composed the famous "Concierto de Aranjuez," and was hung like a mule.
Died July 1, 1999 · Age 88
Sylvia Sidney
During her heyday in the '30s, Sylvia was said to have the saddest eyes in Hollywood. She was also famous for a brief but torrid affair with Rin Tin Tin.
Died July 1, 1999 · Age 82
Joshua Nkomo
After more than 50 years in African politics, including a 12-year stint as vice president of Zimbabwe, Nkomo earned the title "Our Old Man." That's the love of the people talking, folks.
Died July 1, 1999 · Age 72
Guy Mitchell
He was sort of a Pat Boone kind of a guy, only not as good looking. In other words, he had no redeeming features whatsoever.
Died July 1, 1999 · Age 95
Forrest Mars
He single-handedly created the Milky Way, Snickers and 3 Musketeers bars. Shouldn't there be, like, a statue of this guy?
Died July 1, 1999 · Age 90
Edward Dmytryk
As a member of the Hollywood 10, Dmytryk went to prison for refusing to answer questions about the Communist Party. Then he went back and named names after he got out of jail. What a yutz.
Died June 29, 1999 · Age 53
Michael Hooker
Another household name. We're gettin' sick of this crap, you know that?
Died June 28, 1999 · Age 62
Allan Carr
First, he brought us Grease, the musical. As if that weren't enough, he then produced Can't Stop The Music, starring The Village People. Good fucking riddance.
Died June 27, 1999 · Age 79
Marion Motley
A great deal was made of the fact that Marion was one of the first black NFL players, but what about the remarkable accomplishment of a girl playing fullback?
Died June 16, 1999 · Age 58
David Sutch
The erstwhile rock singer and fringe politician was what the British affectionately refer to as "an eccentric," and what we here in America call "a fucking nutcase."
Died June 14, 1999 · Age 122
Emma Massey
They say she might have been the oldest person in the world. Or, she might have just looked really, really bad for her age.
Died June 4, 1999 · Age 88
Zachary Fisher
He was a noted philanthropist, which we guess is what you do when you're really rich and really talentless.
Died May 23, 1999 · Age 34
Owen Hart
The word is that he did it on purpose, as a tribute to the memory and spirit of Dinky Patterson.
Died May 21, 1999 · Age 70
Norman Rossington
He was in "A Hard Day's Night," and now he's sleeping like a log.
Died May 19, 1999 · Age 44
Augustos Pablo
Like the farmer said to the potato,
"I must plant you now and I will dig you later."
Died May 17, 1999 · Age 86
Henry Jones
Something is happening, but you don't know what it is. Do you, Mr. Jones?
Died May 13, 1999 · Age 97
Gene Sarazen
He's credited with inventing the sand wedge. This guy was old.
Died May 8, 1999 · Age 34
Dana Plato
She was on Howard Stern to try and jumpstart her career, and then ODed about 12 hours later, which seems somewhat counter-productive.
Died May 8, 1999 · Age 78
Dirk Bogarde
The star of "Death In Venice" has apparently bought it in London.
Died May 7, 1999 · Age 85
Leon Hess
Y'know, most ex-Nazis took it on the lam to South America, but somehow this guy ends up owning the Jets. We don't get it.
Died May 4, 1999
Irving Stevens
And don't any of you punks try to tell us that the creator of Irving's Fly Dope ain't a celebrity, goddamnit!
Died May 2, 1999 · Age 49
Tibor Kalman
He was a graphic designer who died in his 40s after a successful and varied career. What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?
Died May 2, 1999 · Age 61
Oliver Reed
Oliver, Oliver, never before has a boy drunken more, you will rue the day -- hey, can you rue when you're dead?
Died April 28, 1999 · Age 76
Rory Calhoun
After countless Western movie roles, he played the part of Looney Tunes in the timeless classic Hell Comes To Frogtown. Truth is almost always stranger than fiction.
Died April 27, 1999 · Age 76
Al Hirt
Though hailed the world over as "The King of the Trumpet," it's less widely known that in his home town of New Orleans, he was called "that fat, boring guy."
Died April 25, 1999 · Age 94
Roman Hruska
According to his obituary, he was a U.S. Senator, but for some reason, we thought he was a primitive architectural style.
Died April 22, 1999
Herbert Young
Recipient of France's highest military award, the Legion of Honor cross. Do the French have a thing for black guys, or what?
Died April 21, 1999 · Age 51
Liz Tilberis
She was a hugely successful fashion editor who published her memoirs under the title "No Time To Die." That, however, was last year.
Died April 21, 1999 · Age 94
Charles Rogers
Way back in the Golden Age of ice cream treats, this popular actor was actually the original inspiration for the Nutty Buddy.
Died April 20, 1999 · Age 103
Senor Wences
He made it to 103. Apparently, the extraordinary relationship he enjoyed with his right hand didn't hurt him any.
Died April 18, 1999 · Age 40
Rick Rude
One of his fans eulogized him in an e-mail to us, which read "... he was a pretty good guy in real life, and just acted like a schmuck in the ring." Rest in peace, ravishing one.
Died April 10, 1999 · Age 79
Jean Vander Pyl
The voice of Wilma Flintstone, and many other beloved characters, has died. Appropriately, her funeral procession will be passing the same house and tree every four seconds.
Died April 10, 1999 · Age 76
Mary Rathbun
She was a San Francisco AIDS activist who earned her nickname by handing out pot-laced baked goods to sufferers of the disease. She also went out with our PR guy for a while.
Died April 6, 1999 · Age 91
Red Norvo
Hey, whaddyaknow, that's exactly what he died of. He had a red norvo.
Died April 4, 1999 · Age 79
Early Wynn
Something about the worm getting the early something-or-other. You figure it out.
Died March 29, 1999 · Age 80
Joe Williams
Everyday he has the blues, but maybe today, a little worse than usual.
Died March 25, 1999 · Age 50
Kathryn Schoonover
She brought a whole new level of meaning to the phrase "going postal."
Died March 25, 1999 · Age 63
Cal Ripken
As recently as a week before he died, Cal, Jr. was heard urging his father to "walk it off."
Died March 21, 1999 · Age 97
Jean Guitton
Oldest member of the Academie Francaise, and the author of dozens of books on Catholic philosophy, he was also said to have the ear of Pope Nicholas IV, back in the late 13th century.
Died March 21, 1999 · Age 73
Ernie Wise
He's the one with the short, fat, hairy legs and the pennies on his eyelids.
Died March 13, 1999 · Age 86
Garson Kanin
He wrote Born Yesterday, but that was a long, long time ago.
Died March 12, 1999 · Age 82
Yehudi Menuhin
While he has long been held in high regard in classical music circles, it was not until he started recording with his backup band, The Blowfish, that Yehudi's career really got cranking.
Died March 8, 1999 · Age 74
Peggy Cass
Another huge talent. Maybe your grandparents have some idea what she did.
Died March 8, 1999 · Age 66
William Wrigley
The 58th richest American now takes his rightful place in history as a sticky blob on the underside of capitalism's theatre seat. Ever try to get those things off after a couple days? No, you probably never even thought about it. You're one of those people that just takes that gooey sucker right out of your mouth, whenever you get tired of it, and slaps it under the nearest available piece of furniture. Hey, it's dark, why not? Never mind that some poor slob who's worried about the price of a rebuilt alternator is gonna spend a half-hour trying to chisel that melanoma-like mouthful of chemicals off without damaging the fucking wood. Ever wonder why we have carjackings, you filthy, stupid, rich pig bastard?! What's that? Another one of you thoughtless bloodsuckers blew a gasket? Well, right on, baby! Right on!!
Died March 7, 1999 · Age 70
Stanley Kubrick
Or: How I Learned To Stop Boring Everybody To Tears And Just Drop Dead.
Died March 5, 1999 · Age 100
Lord Denning
Recognized as one of the most influential judges in the history of English common law, His Lordship was also said to have Britain's bushiest ear-hair.
Died March 5, 1999 · Age 76
Richard Kiley
He made a name for himself by singing "The Impossible Dream" on Broadway and by fencing small appliances in the garment district.
Died March 2, 1999 · Age 59
Dusty Springfield
When we said we needed you, you said you would always stay. It wasn't us who changed, but you, and now you've gone away. Bitch.
Died February 18, 1999 · Age 66
Noam Pitlik
Though unfortunately named, this actor-director had a great deal of talent, in a television sort of way.
Died February 14, 1999 · Age 73
John Ehrlichman
The former Nixon advisor has finally succumbed, 25 years after it was first disclosed that there was a cancer on the Presidency.
Died February 14, 1999 · Age 65
Buddy Knox
They call him a pioneer of rock 'n' roll, but if you've ever heard either of his big hits ("Party Doll" and "Hula Rock"), you know that he was just some goofball with the hiccups.
Died February 8, 1999 · Age 79
Iris Murdoch
We know she's not related to Rupert, but we're glad anyway. The only good Murdoch is a dead Murdoch.
Died February 7, 1999 · Age 63
King Hussein
This pretty much ruins Nike's plans for a new line of camel-racing shoes, which were to be called Heir Jordans.
Died February 7, 1999 · Age 80
Bobby Troup
When are these young punks gonna learn that there are real consequences to driving around getting your kicks?
Died February 5, 1999 · Age 93
Wassily Leontief
Winner of the 1973 Nobel Prize for Economic Science, he was known to his friends as "Stinker."
Died February 3, 1999 · Age 89
John S. Service
A distant relative of John Q. Customer, Mr. Service had been ailing for some time. He is survived by wife Cybil and estranged nephews Bud J. Etcuts and Ed Vertisingexpenses.
Died February 1, 1999 · Age 91
Paul Mellon
Apparently, only one player had the foresight to pick him up and squeeze him, thereby discovering that he had gone bad.
Died January 30, 1999 · Age 78
Huntz Hall
He ain't no kid anymore, but this is definitely a dead end.
Died January 29, 1999 · Age 80
Lili St. Cyr
This legendary stripper starred in 1958's The Naked And The Dead. She just switched roles.
Died January 25, 1999 · Age 82
Robert Shaw
No, not the stuffed ham that starred in Jaws and The Sting; he died in '78. This one was a bigtime choral director, which comes dangerously close to being an oxymoron.
Died January 21, 1999 · Age 60
Susan Strasberg
Conspiracy theorists are already working to connect the dots between Susan (who onced played Anne Frank on Broadway), her acting coach father Lee (a known Communist and a pretty creepy little guy), her close friend and occasional lesbian partner Marilyn (who was personally murdered by JFK), and Bill Clinton.
Died January 13, 1999
Gerald Klooster
Guys like this won't count in the next game, we can tell you that. He was an Alzheimer's sufferer, and the pawn in a hideous, years-long legal battle between the members of his family. First, his son kidnapped him and filed for cust
Died January 12, 1999 · Age 37
Doug Wickenheiser
Hockey is a very rough sport. Of course, Doug died of lung cancer, but it doesn't change the fact that hockey is a very rough sport.
Died January 11, 1999
Marion Gilsenan
A Canadian actress who recently starred in a play about a cancer victim. Guess this kinda ruins the ending.
Died January 11, 1999 · Age 101
Naomi Mitchison
This 101-year-old Scottish writer was a source of considerable controversy during her lifetime. No, not because of the sexual themes she explored in the '30s, or her vocal campaigning for abortion rights, but how many Scottish chicks do you know named Naomi?
Died January 4, 1999 · Age 94
Iron Eyes Cody
Crybaby. After his famous TV commercial, he was known for a time as Rust Face.
Died January 3, 1999 · Age 53
Jerry Quarry
George Foreman called him "the greatest ever boxer who never became champion." That's nice, until you're reminded that George has five boys, all named George.