The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Dan Fogelberg
Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean, we've hated this guy.
Joe Nuxhall
The youngest pitcher ever to appear in a Major League game is now just another dead guy.
Norman Mailer
Thankfully, the author of The Naked And The Dead has aligned himself with the latter.
Robert Goulet
There were a lot of high points in his glorious career, but perhaps our favorite is when he sang the Canadian national anthem at WrestleMania VI in Toronto. Look it up.
Brett Somers
Once Charles Nelson Reilly died, there was nobody left who would talk to her.
Bobby Byrd
Get up (get on up)
Get Up! (get on up)
GET UP!! (get on up)
Jane Wyman
She married Ronald Reagan after they co-starred in a movie called Brother Rat. There's gotta be something there, but we just can't come up with it.
Luciano Pavarotti
Considered by many to be one of the greatest tenors who ever lived, he was known to friends and family as "Big Stinky."
Richard Jewell
He was living proof of the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished."
Now, he's not even that.
Butch van Breda Kolff
He spent almost 50 years coaching basketball, in both college and the pros, and never won a championship. Cool name, though.
Leona Helmsley
She left $12 million to her dog, but not before having his nuts cut off. What a bitch!
Eddie Griffin
He may have been a great power forward, but not up against a moving train.
Brooke Astor
And with her final philanthropic act, she makes 531 players a little richer. Nice lady.
Merv Griffin
What a twerp this guy was. Richer than shit, but, man, what a twerp.
Bill Walsh
He was the football coach who popularized the "West Coast Offense". Maybe a little D would have been better.
Tom Snyder
Fire up the simultinis and watch the pictures as they fly through the air, whatever the fuck that means.
Tammy Messner
Two different eye makeup companies just went out of business.
Kurt Waldheim
While it's true that he had many harsh critics, we understand that Kurt was a wonderful dancer.
Tom Poston
Ever seen Tom Poston? Do they really expect us to believe that he would be married to someone as hot as Suzanne Pleshette? Yeah, right.
Boris Yeltsin
Say what you want about the Russkies — this guy knew how to party.
Kitty Carlisle
You'd think with a name like Kitty, she'd be pretty attractive. You'd think.
Eddie Robinson
He had 408 career wins, all of them offset by one significant loss.
Larry 'Bud' Melman
His real name was Calvert DeForest, but by this time next year, will anyone even remember that?
Charles Walgreen
He was 100 years old. You know that thing on the front page where we talk about the rich and feeble? This is who we mean.
Frankie Laine
Cross him off, add 'em up,
Add 'em up, cross him off,
Count him out, he's a stiff,
Goodbye!
Lew Burdette
He pitched 158 complete games, and had 203 wins in his 18-year career. He was voted Most Valuable Player of the 1957 World Series with three complete game victories, two of them shutouts. He had outstanding control, averaging just 1.84 walks per nine innings pitched, and he pitched over 3,000 of them. Anyway, he's dead.
Molly Ivins
She was raised and educated in Texas, but refused to let that hold her back.
Sidney Sheldon
Naturally, we find ourselves inclined to take it easy on the guy who almost single-handedly gave the world I Dream Of Jeannie.
Howard Hunt
Not to be confused with E. Howard Hunt, which is a small suburb immediately adjacent to Howard Hunt.
Barzan Hassan al-Tikriti
Which is Arabic for "Heavier than you think, and not a very strong neck, either."
Michael Brecker
He was a true pioneer of "light jazz," and without him, there could be no David Sanborn or Kenny G. Thanks a billion, Mike.
Yvonne De Carlo
She was 130-something when The Munsters was on, and that was in the '60s!
Sneaky Pete Kleinow
Well, he wasn't on anybody's list, so, that's kinda sneaky.
Teddy Kollek
Really? That's what we start the year with, Teddy Kollek?