The Stiffs for 2000

For the 30th year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.

If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.

If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.

Alan Cranston · 86

June 19th, 1914 - December 31st, 2000

Word of his passing came just 3 hours before the end of one contest and the start of another. He always was a damned troublemaker.

Jason Robards · 78

July 26th, 1922 - December 26th, 2000

Nice try, old man, but we're not renaming The Carl Sagan Stipulation no matter when you check out.

Billy Barty · 76

October 25th, 1924 - December 23rd, 2000

Think he got a discount on the coffin?

Victor Borge · 91

January 3rd, 1909 - December 23rd, 2000

Anyone ever see him actually play the damned thing?

Rob Buck · 42

August 1st, 1958 - December 19th, 2000

9,999 maniacs on the wall, 9,999 maniacs ...

John Lindsay · 79

November 24th, 1921 - December 19th, 2000

Hopefully, he developed a taste for worms when he was finding out just how rotten the Big Apple could be.

Pops Staples · 85

December 28th, 1914 - December 19th, 2000

If you don't give a heck about the man with the bible in his hand, y'all, just get out the way, and let the gentleman do his thing.

Werner Klemperer · 80

March 22nd, 1920 - December 6th, 2000

Though his Klink was more bumbling than mean,
and Herr Klemperer stole every scene,
like the Nazi he played,
Werner toiled underpaid,
the top sucker at Stalag 13.

Henck Arron · 64

April 25th, 1936 - December 4th, 2000

Say goodbye to the man who led the nation of Suriname to its independence. Hamurrin' Henck ez dedd.

Gwendolyn Brooks · 83

June 7th, 1917 - December 3rd, 2000

This Pulitzer Prize winning poet would surely be better known had her career not been overshadowed by her brothers, Mel, Foster, Albert, Garth, and the two who made the suits.

Lou Groza · 76

January 25th, 1924 - November 29th, 2000

"The Toe" has been tagged.

Emil Zatopek · 78

September 19th, 1922 - November 21st, 2000

There once was a fleet-footed Czech
whose name was Emil Zatopek.
Like a good little Pinky,
he won at Helsinki,
and then was too dumb to defect.

Joe C.

November 17th, 2000

Now rocking on the Lord's glorious concert stage, and once again reunited with The Pussycats.

Leah Rabin · 72

April 8th, 1928 - November 12th, 2000

She was married to some famous guy.

Jimmie Davis · 101

November 9, 1899 - November 5th, 2000

The fact that the singing governor made it to 101 convinces us that the key to longevity is to declare someone or something to be your sunshine (preferably your only sunshine) and then to repeatedly implore to no one in particular that said sunshine not be taken away.

Ring Lardner · 85

August 19th, 1915 - November 1st, 2000

Man, those HUAC guys ... what a bunch of idiots. They suspected Jr. of being the ringleader, but they didn't know why.

Steve Allen

October 30th, 2000

Other than the Mocha Mix people, who cares?

Gwen Verdon · 75

January 13th, 1925 - October 18th, 2000

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. Gwen, on the other hand, is toast.

Julie London · 74

September 26th, 1926 - October 18th, 2000

Sadly, Julie had just begun working on a remake of her biggest hit, an updated version called "Buy Me A Liver."

Mel Carnahan · 66

February 11th, 1934 - October 16th, 2000

Gov·er·nor (guv´-er-ner) noun: an attachment to a machine or engine designed to control or limit its function. (e.g. Missouri's governor may need to be readjusted).

Vincent Canby

October 15th, 2000

Not now, he can't.

Gus Hall

October 13th, 2000

The grave they buried him in is actually shared by several people. It's a communist plot.

David Dukes · 55

June 6th, 1945 - October 9th, 2000

Looks like Mr. McPhee is up Dawson's Creek without a paddle. Serves him right, the KKK son of a bitch.

Richard Farnsworth

October 6th, 2000

The straight story is that he had terminal cancer and killed himself. You find a punch line in that.

Benjamin Orr · 53

September 8th, 1947 - October 3rd, 2000

The bassist for The Cars has dropped his tranny.

Reggie Kray

October 1st, 2000

Historians and journalists alike are baffled by the notorious British gangster's final word. Just as he expired, he closed his eyes and quietly murmured, "Dinsdale."

Pierre Trudeau

September 28th, 2000

Due to the weakness of the Canadian dollar, this will only count for about two-thirds of a death.

Richard Mulligan · 67

November 13th, 1932 - September 26th, 2000

The star of Empty Nest fills a box.

Aurelio Rodriguez · 52

December 28th, 1947 - September 23rd, 2000

Many baseball experts have long asserted that Mike Schmidt was the greatest third baseman of all-time. Well, Aurelio wasn't nearly that good.

Paula Yates · 41

April 24th, 1959 - September 17th, 2000

This one, on the other hand, leaves a huge hole in the arts world.

Jack Nitzsche · 63

April 22nd, 1937 - August 25th, 2000

Oscar-winning songwriter who also worked as a producer, arranger and keyboardist with people like The Rolling Stones, James Brown, Elvis Presley, Miles Davis, The Beach Boys, Phil Spector, Captain Beefheart, Bobby Darin, Neil Young, Randy Newman, Ike & Tina Turner, Tammy Wynette, John Lee Hooker, Barbra Streisand, The Neville Brothers, Graham Parker, Jackie DeShannon, The Monkees, Marianne Faithfull, Sonny & Cher, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Ricky Nelson, Willy DeVille, Doris Day and The Germs, so it's no surprise if you've never heard of him.

Loretta Young

August 12th, 2000

But only if you're comparing her to, like, the redwoods.

Alec Guinness · 86

April 2nd, 1914 - August 5th, 2000

Sure, it's pretty good beer, but knighthood? What gives?

Leslie Glass

August 4th, 2000

This busty brunette was known for her stamina, as shown by her farewell appearance in the Coitus Maximus production of Chemo Reamo.

Meredith MacRae

July 14th, 2000

There's a little hotel called the Shady Rest at the junction ...

Cub Koda

July 1st, 2000

You ever seem to have one of those days where it just seems like everybody's gettin' on your case, from your teacher all the way down to your best girlfriend? Well, you know, Cub used to have 'em just about all the time. But he found a way to get out of it.

Walter Matthau · 79

October 1st, 1920 - July 1st, 2000

You know that wherever he's going, George Burns'll be there waiting for him, and when Matthau knocks, Burns will point his finger in the air and say, "Enter!"

Vittorio Gassman · 77

September 1st, 1922 - June 29th, 2000

Outta gas, man.

Nancy Marchand · 71

June 19th, 1928 - June 18th, 2000

Another Soprano joins the choir invisible.

Empress Nagako

June 16th, 2000

Domo arigato, Mrs. Nagako.

Robert Trent Jones, Sr. · 93

June 20th, 1906 - June 14th, 2000

He'll be laid to rest in the Jones family plot, which features two small approach bunkers, a water hazard on the far side of the green, and a beautiful view of the dogleg fifth.

Hafez Assad

June 10th, 2000

Haf Ass, for short.

Tito Puente · 77

April 20th, 1923 - May 31st, 2000

We've been listening to him for years. Oye como fue.

Johnnie Taylor · 66

May 5th, 1934 - May 31st, 2000

So, who's making love to his old lady?

Tex Beneke · 86

February 12th, 1914 - May 30th, 2000

Hey, Ba-Ba-Re-Bop. Tex, his-a heart stop.

Bob Casey · 68

January 9th, 1932 - May 30th, 2000

The former Governor and former State Senator from Pennsylvania is now a former person from Pennsylvania.

Maurice Richard · 78

August 4th, 1921 - May 27th, 2000

Rocket failure.

Barbara Cartland · 98

September 7, 1901 - May 21st, 2000

She closed her eyes dreamily and sighed, a moist and wheezy sigh of surrender, as his firm grip tightened on her ventricle, and Randy the Reaper shut that sucker down.

John Gielgud · 96

April 14th, 1904 - May 21st, 2000

Over the course of his career, he portrayed 9 Lords, 6 Kings, 4 Popes, 3 Prime Ministers, a couple of Saints, various military officers, Merlin the Magician, Cassius AND Julius Caesar, an orchestra conductor, a headmaster, a Marquis, and the houseboy of an idiot who's so pickled that he falls in love with Liza Minnelli. Guess that about covers it.

Mark Hughes · 36

November 1st, 1963 - May 21st, 2000

Drop Dead Now - Ask Me How!

Jean-Pierre Rampal · 78

January 7th, 1922 - May 20th, 2000

Played a gold flute, for cryin' out loud. Good riddance, you pansy.

Malik Sealy · 30

February 1st, 1970 - May 20th, 2000

Not that it does him any good now, but in a game situation, the other guy would probably have been called for an illegal pick.

Paul Bartel · 61

August 6th, 1938 - May 17th, 2000

He gave us Death Race 2000, and then he won the damned thing.

Bill Foster · 68

January 23rd, 1932 - May 10th, 2000

Grab a beer and drop your pants,
Foster does the cancer dance,
Good-bye, Bozo!

Douglas Fairbanks · 90

December 9th, 1909 - May 7th, 2000

Gunga done.

John O'Connor · 80

January 15th, 1920 - May 3rd, 2000

Cardinal O'Connor's an ecclesiastic goner.

Steve Reeves · 74

January 21st, 1926 - May 1st, 2000

As one of the first to successfully make the leap from oily, near-naked flexing and posing to oily, near-naked flexing and posing in front of a camera, Reeves paved the way for one of our greatest modern movie stars. Yes, it was Steve's ability to overcome his unfortunate voice (picture an adenoidal 7-year-old girl in mild tantrum) that inspired another world-class athlete to step onto a sound stage and into our hearts. Say a little prayer, America, for without Steve Reeves, there would be no Lou Ferrigno.

Vicki Robinson

April 27th, 2000

First she tried turning the beat around, then it was upside-down .... How about off, is that good?

David Merrick · 88

November 27th, 1911 - April 25th, 2000

He ended up doing alright, for the child of an English circus freak.

Edward Gorey · 75

February 22nd, 1925 - April 15th, 2000

E is for Edward, whose heart just gave way.

Larry Linville

April 10th, 2000

So long, Ferret Face.

Claire Trevor · 90

March 8th, 1910 - April 8th, 2000

Her film credits included "The Last Trail," "Baby Take A Bow," "Dead End," "The Lucky Stiff," "One Mile From Heaven," "Dante's Inferno," "Stop, You're Killing Me," and her last, which ws "Kiss Me Goodbye." The clues are there, folks, you just have to learn how to read 'em.

Ian Dury · 57

May 12th, 1942 - March 27th, 2000

Had to find out the hard way that sex and drugs and rock and roll are NOT all the brain and body need.

Alex Comfort · 80

February 10th, 1920 - March 26th, 2000

The author of 1972's "The Joy Of Sex" has since experienced the relative ennui of gradually dying.

Durward Kirby · 87

August 24th, 1912 - March 15th, 2000

Dirtward, Kirby.

Mack Robinson · 87

July 18th, 1912 - March 12th, 2000

You've heard of the Mack Daddy? This is who they're talking about.

Charles Gray · 71

August 29th, 1928 - March 7th, 2000

Here's your friggin' time warp, Professor.

Claude Shannon · 83

April 30th, 1916 - February 24th, 2000

Math bitch.

Ofra Haza · 42

November 19th, 1957 - February 23rd, 2000

The Wailing Wall: religious sacrament, or noise pollution? On the next Ofra Haza Show.

Stanley Matthews · 85

February 1st, 1915 - February 23rd, 2000

Black card.

Marceline Day · 91

April 24th, 1908 - February 16th, 2000

Just another day.

Tom Landry · 75

September 11th, 1924 - February 12th, 2000

Turns out the reason he never took off that stupid hat is 'cause it was a tumor.

Charles Schulz · 77

November 26th, 1922 - February 12th, 2000

You're a dead man, Charlie Schulz.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins · 70

July 18th, 1929 - February 12th, 2000

That oughta put an end to that damned racket.

William Swofford · 54

February 22nd, 1945 - February 12th, 2000

As he himself once sang, "Fliddy gloop gloopy, nibby nobby nooby, la la la lo lo. Shamma shimmy shaman, nooby abba dabban, lee lee lo lo. Dooby ooby wadda, nooby abba dabba, kicky-wicky bucket time."

Roger Vadim · 72

January 26th, 1928 - February 11th, 2000

And God deleted you, man.

Jim Varney · 50

June 15th, 1949 - February 10th, 2000

Ernest goes to mulch. Know what I mean, Vern?

Sid Abel · 81

February 22nd, 1918 - February 8th, 2000

Oh, yeah? To do what?

Derrick Thomas · 33

January 1st, 1967 - February 8th, 2000

How could such a great defender not wear a seat belt? What an idiot.

Doug Henning · 52

May 3rd, 1947 - February 7th, 2000

Abracadabra this, you tie-dyed, buck-toothed, shaggy-headed freak.

Big Pun · 28

November 10th, 1971 - February 7th, 2000

No Pun. He's ended.

Carl Albert · 91

May 10th, 1908 - February 4th, 2000

They called him "The Little Giant From Little Dixie." Have you any idea how close we came to having this midget as President?

Don Budge · 84

June 13th, 1915 - January 26th, 2000

In 1938, he clinched the Grand Slam at Forest Hills, becoming the first ever to do it. Then last year, he crunched his Grand Am in a forest in the hills, and it became the last thing he would ever do. Advantage, tree.

Jean MacArthur · 101

December 31, 1898 - January 22nd, 2000

She will not return.

Hedy Lamarr · 86

November 9th, 1913 - January 19th, 2000

Hedley!

Bobby Phills · 30

December 20th, 1969 - January 12th, 2000

a hole in the ground.

Bob Lemon · 79

September 22nd, 1920 - January 11th, 2000

She squeezed him 'til the juice ran down his leg, which normally isn't fatal, but the way she squeezed him made him fall right outta bed.

Don Martin · 68

May 18th, 1931 - January 7th, 2000

MAD's maddest artist drops dead.

Bob Crosby · 88

March 26th, 1911 - January 7th, 2000

Nebraska's Boy Governor trades his soap box in on a pine one.

Tom Fears · 77

December 3rd, 1922 - January 4th, 2000

Not anymore.

Elmo Zumwalt · 79

November 29th, 1920 - January 2nd, 2000

Famous U.S. Navy Admiral, and later, the inspiration for an extremely popular doll, under its working title, Contaminate-Me-Elmo.

Nat Adderley · 68

November 25th, 1931 - January 2nd, 2000

Though every bit as accomplished a musician as his brother, Julian "Cannonball" Adderly, Nat was not nearly as well-known, due in large part to his unfortunate nickname, "Fart Machine."

Year	Stiffs
2024	12
2023	52
2022	44
2021	56
2020	71
2019	54
2018	51
2017	65
2016	72
2015	59
2014	63
2013	68
2012	81
2011	65
2010	80
2009	65
2008	83
2007	78
2006	99
2005	84
2004	70
2003	97
2002	101
2001	99
2000	92
1999	192
1998	127
1997	119
1996	63
1995	40

Guess the Stiff!