The Stiffs for 2014
For the 30th year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.
If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.
If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.
62
Luise Rainer · 104January 12th, 1910 - December 30th, 2014
She was in a total of 9 Hollywood films, and won Oscars for best actress for two of them in consecutive years. Then she did nothing for 70 years, and died. What a ride!
58
Marion Barry · 78March 6th, 1936 - November 22nd, 2014
Anyone else wanna take a crack at writing a funny obituary?
56
Jack Bruce · 71May 14th, 1943 - October 25th, 2014
He'll wait in that place where the sun never shines.
52
Frank Torre · 82December 30th, 1931 - September 13th, 2014
He taught his brother Joe everything he knew about baseball. Big WHOOP.
51
Ian Paisley · 88April 6th, 1926 - September 12th, 2014
Man - this is a huge loss. It takes someone with real talent to entertain MILLIONS of people using your musical gifts. As if that weren't enough, he was a huge philanthropist and did benefit concerts almost every time he was asked. Married to Kimberly Williams (from Father of the Bride as well as other films and TV shows), she was as active as he was. The two of them together formed..
What? IAN Paisley? We thought you said BRAD. Who the FUCK is Ian Paisley? What? Are you serious? How are we supposed to write about THAT? Fuck it. We'll do it later.
What? IAN Paisley? We thought you said BRAD. Who the FUCK is Ian Paisley? What? Are you serious? How are we supposed to write about THAT? Fuck it. We'll do it later.
47
Don Pardo · 96February 22nd, 1918 - August 18th, 2014
Saturday Night De.. - no. Wait. We can't do that. That's ridiculous. What have we become? Just going for the obvious? No. This game has a long, proud tradition of finding the funniest blurb we can from a giant pile of steaming obvious. It's time to kick it up a notch. Time to light the collective fire under our asses, and come up with something more than good. Something GREAT. Here we go:
Dammit. Nothing. Fuck. Sorry.
Dammit. Nothing. Fuck. Sorry.
46
Lauren Bacall · 89September 16th, 1924 - August 12th, 2014
You know how to succumb, don'tcha, Lauren? You just put your lids together and go.
44
James Brady · 73August 29th, 1940 - August 4th, 2014
So maybe a 21-gun salute would be inappropriate here ...
43
James Garner · 86April 7th, 1928 - July 19th, 2014
At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll never get back to you.
42
Johnny Winter · 70February 23rd, 1944 - July 16th, 2014
He released an album titled Still Alive and Well in 1973.
37
Eli Wallach · 98December 7th, 1915 - June 24th, 2014
He had a pretty amazing career, with the exception being that his last film was Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Did you see THAT piece of crap? Oh man. Yeah - Michael Douglas was good, and even Shia LaBeouf was passable (and we usually hate him), but the story was just idiotic. Plot twists, weird visions, and a female lead who might as well have not even been there. The ending? Oh man. We've never seen anything so dumb in our lives. How does this sort of thing happen anyway? Doesn't anyone in Hollywood have the BALLS to stand up and say "Hey! Wall Street was great, but it doesn't NEED a sequel! Get your head out of your ass!"? Of course they don't. Because art in Hollywood is dead, and it's just all about money now. It's sad. It really is.
Oh yeah. Eli's dead too.
36
Tony Gwynn · 54May 9th, 1960 - June 16th, 2014
His nicknames were "Mr. Padre" and "Captain Video". Really? That's the best anyone could do for an 18 time all-star, 7 time silver slugger and 5 time golden glove award winner? How about "The San Diego Hammer" or "Black Lightning"? Jesus - do we have to think up EVERYTHING around here?
35
Casey Kasem · 82April 27th, 1932 - June 15th, 2014
Here's a long distance dedication to Casey from Reaper G: "I've been waiting for you a long time. I can't wait to spend eternity with you. You're my everything."
32
Don Zimmer · 83January 17th, 1931 - June 4th, 2014
He had what they call a "baseball mind," which is another way of saying that he had a plate in his head and a double-digit IQ.
30
Malcolm Glazer · 86May 25th, 1928 - May 28th, 2014
He owned Manchester United AND the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Bottom line: you just can never compensate enough for a receding hairline.
28
Jerry Vale · 83July 8th, 1930 - May 18th, 2014
He sang Have you looked into your heart?, Deep in Your Heart, I've Lost My Heart Again, In the Back of My Heart and Don't Tell My Heart to Stop Loving You - which all of corse work for a dude with heart failure. But somehow Hello and Goodbye just tickles our fancy a bit more. Go figure.
25
Jack Ramsay · 89February 21st, 1925 - April 27th, 2014
In 1999, he was convicted of the attempted rape of a 14 year old Cree girl. Yeah, yeah - we know. That's the OTHER Jack Ramsay - the politician from Canada. But that was what we got when we looked him up, and we'll be damned if we're reading another 2 paragraphs on the Internet. Last night was 2 for 1 margarita night at Pepe's Palace, and we couldn't control ourselves. Massive hangover. So instead of some basketball guy, you get a Canadian rapist. Sorry. We'll do better next time.
24
Rubin "Hurricane" Carter · 76May 6th, 1937 - April 20th, 2014
Today's forecast: 0% chance of hurricane.
21
Mickey Rooney · 93September 23rd, 1920 - April 6th, 2014
The Commissioner met him on New Years Eve 1999 in Palm Springs. It went like this:
Commish: Hello Mr. Rooney - great show.
Rooney: Who are you?
Commish: The brother in law of your band leader.
Rooney: Oh.
And he walked away.
20
Charles Keating · 90December 4th, 1923 - March 31st, 2014
The S&L scandal was bad, but what makes this guy a REAL asshole was when he tried to mess with pornography. Rip off all the people you want, but keep the hell away from our porn.
18
Fred Phelps · 84November 13th, 1929 - March 19th, 2014
If there is a God, it's a safe bet that Fred will be taking it in the ass for all of eternity.
16
William Clay Ford Sr. · 88March 14th, 1925 - March 9th, 2014
Lions fans are mourning the loss of a great leader.
There are 3 lies in that sentence. See if you can find them.
13
Ralph Waite · 85June 22nd, 1928 - February 13th, 2014
Good night John Boy.
Good night Elizabeth.
Good night Daddy.
Daddy? Daddy?
6
Claudio Abbado · 80June 26th, 1933 - January 20th, 2014
Never heard of him? How have you not heard of him? He won the Grand cross of the Légion d'honneur, Bundesverdienstkreuz for chrissakes. Try reading the paper every once in a while. Sheesh.
5
Dave Madden · 82December 17th, 1931 - January 16th, 2014
Played the manager of The Partridge Family, then a diner patron on Alice. We thought he was either a football guy or someone to do with women's shoes. Either way - somehow he's a celebrity.
4
Russell Johnson · 89November 10th, 1924 - January 16th, 2014
And now we'll never know the answer to the question that only the Professor can answer.
Ginger? Or Mary Ann?
3
Ariel Sharon · 85February 26th, 1928 - January 11th, 2014
An Israeli general who has GIRL names for both his first AND last names. Pussy.
