The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Luise Rainer
She was in a total of 9 Hollywood films, and won Oscars for best actress for two of them in consecutive years. Then she did nothing for 70 years, and died. What a ride!
Marion Barry
Anyone else wanna take a crack at writing a funny obituary?
Frank Torre
He taught his brother Joe everything he knew about baseball. Big WHOOP.
Ian Paisley
Man - this is a huge loss. It takes someone with real talent to entertain MILLIONS of people using your musical gifts. As if that weren't enough, he was a huge philanthropist and did benefit concerts almost every time he was asked. Married to Kimberly Williams (from Father of the Bride as well as other films and TV shows), she was as active as he was. The two of them together formed..
What? IAN Paisley? We thought you said BRAD. Who the FUCK is Ian Paisley? What? Are you serious? How are we supposed to write about THAT? Fuck it. We'll do it later.
Don Pardo
Saturday Night De.. - no. Wait. We can't do that. That's ridiculous. What have we become? Just going for the obvious? No. This game has a long, proud tradition of finding the funniest blurb we can from a giant pile of steaming obvious. It's time to kick it up a notch. Time to light the collective fire under our asses, and come up with something more than good. Something GREAT. Here we go:
Dammit. Nothing. Fuck. Sorry.
Lauren Bacall
You know how to succumb, don'tcha, Lauren? You just put your lids together and go.
James Garner
At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll never get back to you.
Eli Wallach
He had a pretty amazing career, with the exception being that his last film was Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Did you see THAT piece of crap? Oh man. Yeah - Michael Douglas was good, and even Shia LaBeouf was passable (and we usually hate him), but the story was just idiotic. Plot twists, weird visions, and a female lead who might as well have not even been there. The ending? Oh man. We've never seen anything so dumb in our lives. How does this sort of thing happen anyway? Doesn't anyone in Hollywood have the BALLS to stand up and say "Hey! Wall Street was great, but it doesn't NEED a sequel! Get your head out of your ass!"? Of course they don't. Because art in Hollywood is dead, and it's just all about money now. It's sad. It really is.
Oh yeah. Eli's dead too.
Tony Gwynn
His nicknames were "Mr. Padre" and "Captain Video". Really? That's the best anyone could do for an 18 time all-star, 7 time silver slugger and 5 time golden glove award winner? How about "The San Diego Hammer" or "Black Lightning"? Jesus - do we have to think up EVERYTHING around here?
Casey Kasem
Here's a long distance dedication to Casey from Reaper G: "I've been waiting for you a long time. I can't wait to spend eternity with you. You're my everything."
Don Zimmer
He had what they call a "baseball mind," which is another way of saying that he had a plate in his head and a double-digit IQ.
Malcolm Glazer
He owned Manchester United AND the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Bottom line: you just can never compensate enough for a receding hairline.
Jerry Vale
He sang Have you looked into your heart?, Deep in Your Heart, I've Lost My Heart Again, In the Back of My Heart and Don't Tell My Heart to Stop Loving You - which all of corse work for a dude with heart failure. But somehow Hello and Goodbye just tickles our fancy a bit more. Go figure.
Jack Ramsay
In 1999, he was convicted of the attempted rape of a 14 year old Cree girl. Yeah, yeah - we know. That's the OTHER Jack Ramsay - the politician from Canada. But that was what we got when we looked him up, and we'll be damned if we're reading another 2 paragraphs on the Internet. Last night was 2 for 1 margarita night at Pepe's Palace, and we couldn't control ourselves. Massive hangover. So instead of some basketball guy, you get a Canadian rapist. Sorry. We'll do better next time.
Mickey Rooney
The Commissioner met him on New Years Eve 1999 in Palm Springs. It went like this:
Commish: Hello Mr. Rooney - great show.
Rooney: Who are you?
Commish: The brother in law of your band leader.
Rooney: Oh.
And he walked away.
Charles Keating
The S&L scandal was bad, but what makes this guy a REAL asshole was when he tried to mess with pornography. Rip off all the people you want, but keep the hell away from our porn.
Fred Phelps
If there is a God, it's a safe bet that Fred will be taking it in the ass for all of eternity.
William Clay Ford Sr.
Lions fans are mourning the loss of a great leader.
There are 3 lies in that sentence. See if you can find them.
Ralph Waite
Good night John Boy.
Good night Elizabeth.
Good night Daddy.
Daddy? Daddy?
Claudio Abbado
Never heard of him? How have you not heard of him? He won the Grand cross of the Légion d'honneur, Bundesverdienstkreuz for chrissakes. Try reading the paper every once in a while. Sheesh.
Russell Johnson
And now we'll never know the answer to the question that only the Professor can answer.
Ginger? Or Mary Ann?
Dave Madden
Played the manager of The Partridge Family, then a diner patron on Alice. We thought he was either a football guy or someone to do with women's shoes. Either way - somehow he's a celebrity.
Ariel Sharon
An Israeli general who has GIRL names for both his first AND last names. Pussy.
