The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Norman Schwarzkopf
First it was Desert Shield, then Desert Storm. Now it's just Deserted.
Charles Durning
He stormed the beach at Normandy, then killed an attacking enemy soldier with a rock after being seriously wounded. After that, he went on to play Santa Claus in Elmo Saves Christmas, and then died on Christmas Eve. We're not sure how that all fits together, but it's pretty weird.
Robert Bork
Bork: something being misconfigured or broken. Yep. That looks to be about right.
Rick Majerus
He had a 517-215 record is his 25 years of coaching, and went to 12 NCAA tournaments without ever winning a national title. He's also dead.
Hector "Macho" Camacho
You think that Village People song is about this little weirdo? Yeah - so do we.
Russell Means
He was in The Last of the Mohicans, but he was an Oglala Sioux. Man that pisses us off.
George McGovern
Well, now I guess he expects us ALL to just kiss his ass.
Sylvia Kristel
Porn star. Throat cancer. Coincidence? Yeah. Probably.
Arlen Specter
Regardless of who gets elected, ol' Arlen's going to be flip-flopping in his grave.
King Sihanouk
After he abdicated the throne of Cambodia, his official title was "Preah Karuna Preah Bat Sâmdech Preah Norodom Sihanouk Preahmâhaviraksat" - which translated means "Sacred Compassionate Foot Lord Sacred Best Jaws of the Lion Sacred Great Brave Warrior". Yeah. Ok. Whatever.
Gary Collins
He hosted the Miss America pageant and then married a former Miss America. Sounds like a conflict of interest to us.
Herbert Lom
He was the Chief Inspector in The Pink Panther movies, sure. But more importantly, he was the child of Karl ze Schluderpacheru and his spouse Olga née Gottlieb who were members of Austrian nobility. If that's not celebrity, then we don't know what is.
Steve Sabol
The guy won 40 emmys for making movies about football. Not sure if that means he was great at it, or the emmys are stupid.
Art Modell
Art should be buried in Cleveland, and then 35 years from now he should be dug up, dragged and dumped in Baltimore.
Sun Myoung Moon
Proof that dedicating your life to the church doesn't mean you can't be a greedy billionaire asshole too.
Neil Armstrong
That's one small death for man, one giant death for mankind.
Phyllis Diller
This is one of those times when being a mortician must be really, really tough.
Ron Palillo
Horshack? Arnold Horshack was famous? How the fuck did that happen?
Johnny Pesky
He was nicknamed "The Needle", and had a pole at Fenway named after him. You figure it out.
Sherman Hemsley
Here we go again. Please forward your genius suggestion for the ultra-obvious "Movin' on down" obit for this boring one-trick pony to LameObitAdvice@stiffs.com
Kitty Wells
Why do country singers always seem to have the best porn names?
Ernest Borgnine
2011: Wins SAG Lifetime Achievement Award.
2012: Dead
This is what The Woody Herman Phenomenon is all about.
Andy Griffith
Great. Now we're going to have that stupid whistling in our head all day.
Nora Ephron
Because when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as...oops. Never mind.
Richard Dawson
100 people were surveyed, top 5 answers are on the board, here's the question: What talentless, unattractive, kiss-crazy game show weirdo finally got beat by esophageal cancer?
Abdelbaset Al Megrahi
As the cowardly loser responsible for bombing Pan Am 103, we hope he enjoys an eternity of playing horseshoes with Gaddafi in hell.
Robin Gibb
6 hours. That's how long we spent trying to figure out how to work "Stayin' Alive" into an obit. Fuck it. He's dead.
Maurice Sendak
Maurice roared his terrible roar and gnashed his terrible teeth and rolled his terrible eyes and showed his terrible claws- till Max said "BE STILL!"
Levon Helm
His two big hit albums were Electric Dirt and Dirt Farmer. 'Nuff said.
Ivan Demyanyuk
He was a Nazi war criminal convicted of 27,900 counts of murder, and he lived in Cleveland for most of his life. Figures.
Angelo Dundee
As Ali said about him recently "Angelo inna goo goo ga na ma ma".
Robert Hegyes
Dear Mr. Kotter,
Please excuse Epstein from school. He's dead.
Signed,
Epstein's Mother
Joe Paterno
Nothing will overshadow the fact that he was the winningest coach in major college football history.
Wait. What? Seriously?
Etta James
We know what you're expecting us to write here, but guess what: no go. It's just too easy, and besides - she kicked her drug habit 20+ years ago, and only got sick about a year ago. So now will you leave us alone about it - At Last?
Johnny Otis
Wikipedia says, "In 1969 he recorded an album of sexually explicit material under the name 'Snatch and the Poontangs'."
That's good enough for us.
William Janklow
He was a dubious politician convicted of vehicular manslaughter who had brain cancer. Are we sure he wasn't a Kennedy?