The Stiffs for 2013

For the 30th year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.

If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.

If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.

Mikhail Kalashnikov · 94

November 10th, 1919 - December 23rd, 2013

Shot down.

Al Goldstein · 77

January 10th, 1936 - December 19th, 2013

He created Screw magazine, and he had an 11 foot tall middle finger statue in his yard. American hero? We say yes.

Ronnie Biggs · 84

August 8th, 1929 - December 18th, 2013

Isn't every train robbery pretty great?

Ray Price · 87

January 12th, 1926 - December 16th, 2013

We're slashing Prices for the holidays!

Joan Fontaine · 96

October 22nd, 1917 - December 15th, 2013

Started acting in 1935 and stopped in 1994. What a slacker.

Harold Camping · 92

July 19th, 1921 - December 15th, 2013

The obvious choice here is "Camping Out", but we're going with "So long, Nutjob."

Peter O'Toole · 81

August 2nd, 1932 - December 14th, 2013

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Tom Laughlin · 82

August 10th, 1931 - December 12th, 2013

Jacked.

Nelson Mandela · 95

July 18th, 1918 - December 5th, 2013

He was in prison for 27 years, and then got married three times. Must have really missed it.

Paul Walker · 40

September 12th, 1973 - November 30th, 2013

Yep. He was indeed fast.

Doris Lessing · 94

October 22nd, 1919 - November 17th, 2013

Boy - she can really hear the grass singing now.

Lou Reed · 71

March 2nd, 1942 - October 27th, 2013

Less Velvet. More Underground.

Marcia Wallace · 70

November 1st, 1942 - October 25th, 2013

She starred in both The Angry Beavers as well as That's My Bush!. Seems like she was trying to tell us something.

Bum Phillips · 90

September 29th, 1923 - October 18th, 2013

Looks like he's back with the Saints now.

Scott Carpenter · 88

May 1st, 1925 - October 10th, 2013

He spent a total of 4 hours and 56 minutes in space. When you think about it, that's only 4 hours and 56 minutes more than YOU spent in space. Big WHOOP.

Vo Giap · 102

August 25th, 1911 - October 4th, 2013

No mo Vo.

Tom Clancy · 66

April 12th, 1947 - October 1st, 2013

Clear and Presently Dead

Ray Dolby · 80

January 18th, 1933 - September 12th, 2013

Sounds good to us.

Clay Shaw, Jr. · 74

April 19th, 1939 - September 10th, 2013

Congressman from Florida. How easy is THAT job?

Cal Worthington · 92

November 27th, 1920 - September 8th, 2013

If you wanna "Go see Cal" now, you'd better bring a shovel.

Frederik Pohl · 93

November 26th, 1919 - September 2nd, 2013

Dead Pohl.

Tommy Morrison · 44

January 2nd, 1969 - September 1st, 2013

Boxed.

David Frost · 74

April 7th, 1939 - August 31st, 2013

Defrosted.

Julie Harris · 87

December 2nd, 1925 - August 24th, 2013

She won five Tony Awards, three Emmy Awards and a Grammy Award, and was nominated for an Academy Award. And yet - and we're not kidding here - we don't recognize a SINGLE thing she was in.

Bert Lance · 82

June 3rd, 1931 - August 15th, 2013

Oh, it's broke alright. And there's no fixing it.

Jack Germond · 85

January 30th, 1928 - August 14th, 2013

Old news.

Eydie Gorme · 84

August 16th, 1928 - August 10th, 2013

Blame it on the Bossa Nova if you like. She's still dead.

Karen Black · 74

July 1st, 1939 - August 8th, 2013

Blacked out.

Art Donovan · 88

June 5th, 1925 - August 4th, 2013

Tough enough to be a football player, and smart enough to be REALLY funny. Talk about your rare combo.

Mullah Omar

July 31st, 2013

Goodbye Mullah, Goodbye Fatwa...

Harry F. Byrd, Jr. · 98

December 20th, 1914 - July 30th, 2013

Oh, hooray. Another politician without a "Scandals" section. Anyone looking to buy a deadpool website?

Eileen Brennan · 80

September 3rd, 1932 - July 28th, 2013

She won a Golden Globe for her portrayal of Doreen Lewis in the TV adaptation of Private Benjamin. Yes. This is a CELEBRITY dead pool. We swear.

William Scranton · 96

July 19th, 1917 - July 28th, 2013

He was a fantastically wealthy scandal-less politician from New England. They can't all be Weiners.

Lindy Boggs · 97

March 13th, 1916 - July 27th, 2013

Yielded.

Helen Thomas · 92

August 4th, 1920 - July 20th, 2013

That should put an end to all those annoying questions.

Slim Whitman · 89

January 20th, 1924 - June 19th, 2013

Now yodelling in that Great Infomercial In The Sky.

James Gandolfini · 51

September 18th, 1961 - June 19th, 2013

Probably more like a baritone now.

Richard Ramirez · 53

February 28th, 1960 - June 7th, 2013

The Night Struck Back

Esther Williams · 91

August 8th, 1921 - June 6th, 2013

Sleeping with the fishes.

Jean Stapleton · 90

January 19th, 1923 - May 31st, 2013

Stifled herself.

Ray Manzarek · 74

February 12th, 1939 - May 20th, 2013

Broke on through to the other side.

Dick Trickle · 71

October 27th, 1941 - May 16th, 2013

Race car driver? Really? How was he not a porn star?

Billy Sol Estes · 88

January 10th, 1925 - May 14th, 2013

You know when you sometimes refer to someone as a "dirty, lowlife, thieving, scumbag, huckster asshole"? This was the guy that coined that phrase.

Dr. Joyce Brothers · 85

October 20th, 1927 - May 13th, 2013

Over the years she changed the name of her show from The Dr. Joyce Brothers Show to Consult Dr. Brothers to Tell Me, Dr. Brothers to Ask Dr. Brothers to Living Easy with Dr. Joyce Brothers, and now, finally to Lying Perfectly Still with Dr. Joyce Brothers

Ray Harryhausen · 92

June 29th, 1920 - May 7th, 2013

Motion stopped.

Deanna Durbin · 91

December 4th, 1921 - April 28th, 2013

Let's call it "Every Sunday but ONE"

George Jones · 81

September 12th, 1931 - April 26th, 2013

He definitely stopped loving her today.

George Beverly Shea · 104

February 1st, 1909 - April 16th, 2013

He sang to over 220 million people over his lifetime, worked with Billy Graham for over 50 years, and recorded over 500 vocal solos on more than 70 albums. And yet - we had no idea who the fuck he was until we looked him up. Go figure.

Pat Summerall · 82

May 10th, 1930 - April 16th, 2013

Sudden death.

Jonathan Winters · 87

November 11th, 1925 - April 11th, 2013

In the dead of Winters.

Margaret Thatcher · 87

October 13th, 1925 - April 8th, 2013

Being nicknamed "The Iron Lady" by the Brits is like being named "World's toughest" by the Boy Scouts. We're not impressed.

Annette Funicello · 70

October 22nd, 1942 - April 8th, 2013

M-I-C - see you in the afterlife! K-E-Y - Why? Because you had MS!

Roger Ebert · 70

June 18th, 1942 - April 4th, 2013

He died with a smile on his face.

Harry Reems · 65

August 27th, 1947 - March 20th, 2013

Rest in penis.

Rise Stevens · 99

June 11th, 1913 - March 20th, 2013

Did you see her portrayal of Marfa in Moussorgsky's Khovanshchina? She kicked ass in that.

Hugo Chavez · 58

July 28th, 1954 - March 5th, 2013

Hugone.

Bonnie Franklin · 69

January 6th, 1944 - March 1st, 2013

That was it.

Van Cliburn · 78

July 12th, 1934 - February 27th, 2013

He won the first quadrennial International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition in Moscow at age 23, which means there is absolutely no chance he ever got laid. Have a little respect.

C. Everett Koop · 96

October 14th, 1916 - February 25th, 2013

Flew.

Jerry Buss · 79

January 27th, 1934 - February 18th, 2013

Buss Stopped.

Mindy McCready · 37

November 30th, 1975 - February 17th, 2013

Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Ed Koch · 88

December 12th, 1924 - January 31st, 2013

When asked about his sex life by the press in his early 70's, his response was "Fuck Off". We like this guy.

Patty Andrews · 94

February 16th, 1918 - January 30th, 2013

She was a famous singer chick from Minnesota way
Both her sisters thought that she might be gay
She was plenty old at 94
But then her number came up and now she's here no more
She's in the ground now, placed there carefully
She the crusty, dusty singing chick in the cemetery

Stan Musial · 92

November 21st, 1920 - January 19th, 2013

Yes - he was a 24 time all-star selection, compiled 3630 hits, and is widely considered the best left fielder of all time, and is in the Hall of Fame. But for OUR money, the fact that he played the harmonica on Hee Haw in 1994 AND made an album of harmonica songs? THAT is what makes someone famous.

Earl Weaver · 82

August 14th, 1930 - January 19th, 2013

Ejected.

Dear Abby · 94

July 4th, 1918 - January 16th, 2013

Dear Abby,

I think my husband is cheating on me. I keep finding little clues around the house - hotel keys, receipts for restaurants we've never been to, that sort of thing. I feel guilty even thinking it, but I have to know. Should I approach him and just ask? Or should I spy on him to find out? -- BETRAYED IN BALTIMORE

Dear Betrayed -

I'm dead.

Conrad Bain · 89

February 4th, 1923 - January 14th, 2013

Todd Bridges is the one from Diff'rent Strokes who lived the longest? Crazy.

Patti Page · 85

November 8th, 1927 - January 1st, 2013

How much is that coffin in the window?

Year	Stiffs
2024	12
2023	52
2022	44
2021	56
2020	71
2019	54
2018	51
2017	65
2016	72
2015	59
2014	63
2013	68
2012	81
2011	65
2010	80
2009	65
2008	83
2007	78
2006	99
2005	84
2004	70
2003	97
2002	101
2001	99
2000	92
1999	192
1998	127
1997	119
1996	63
1995	40

Guess the Stiff!