The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Al Goldstein
He created Screw magazine, and he had an 11 foot tall middle finger statue in his yard. American hero? We say yes.
Harold Camping
The obvious choice here is "Camping Out", but we're going with "So long, Nutjob."
Joan Fontaine
Started acting in 1935 and stopped in 1994. What a slacker.
Nelson Mandela
He was in prison for 27 years, and then got married three times. Must have really missed it.
Marcia Wallace
She starred in both The Angry Beavers as well as That's My Bush!. Seems like she was trying to tell us something.
Scott Carpenter
He spent a total of 4 hours and 56 minutes in space. When you think about it, that's only 4 hours and 56 minutes more than YOU spent in space. Big WHOOP.
Cal Worthington
If you wanna "Go see Cal" now, you'd better bring a shovel.
Julie Harris
She won five Tony Awards, three Emmy Awards and a Grammy Award, and was nominated for an Academy Award. And yet - and we're not kidding here - we don't recognize a SINGLE thing she was in.
Art Donovan
Tough enough to be a football player, and smart enough to be REALLY funny. Talk about your rare combo.
Harry F. Byrd, Jr.
Oh, hooray. Another politician without a "Scandals" section. Anyone looking to buy a deadpool website?
Eileen Brennan
She won a Golden Globe for her portrayal of Doreen Lewis in the TV adaptation of Private Benjamin. Yes. This is a CELEBRITY dead pool. We swear.
William Scranton
He was a fantastically wealthy scandal-less politician from New England. They can't all be Weiners.
Billy Sol Estes
You know when you sometimes refer to someone as a "dirty, lowlife, thieving, scumbag, huckster asshole"? This was the guy that coined that phrase.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
Over the years she changed the name of her show from The Dr. Joyce Brothers Show to Consult Dr. Brothers to Tell Me, Dr. Brothers to Ask Dr. Brothers to Living Easy with Dr. Joyce Brothers, and now, finally to Lying Perfectly Still with Dr. Joyce Brothers
George Beverly Shea
He sang to over 220 million people over his lifetime, worked with Billy Graham for over 50 years, and recorded over 500 vocal solos on more than 70 albums. And yet - we had no idea who the fuck he was until we looked him up. Go figure.
Margaret Thatcher
Being nicknamed "The Iron Lady" by the Brits is like being named "World's toughest" by the Boy Scouts. We're not impressed.
Annette Funicello
M-I-C - see you in the afterlife! K-E-Y - Why? Because you had MS!
Rise Stevens
Did you see her portrayal of Marfa in Moussorgsky's Khovanshchina? She kicked ass in that.
Van Cliburn
He won the first quadrennial International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition in Moscow at age 23, which means there is absolutely no chance he ever got laid. Have a little respect.
Ed Koch
When asked about his sex life by the press in his early 70's, his response was "Fuck Off". We like this guy.
Patty Andrews
She was a famous singer chick from Minnesota way
Both her sisters thought that she might be gay
She was plenty old at 94
But then her number came up and now she's here no more
She's in the ground now, placed there carefully
She the crusty, dusty singing chick in the cemetery
Stan Musial
Yes - he was a 24 time all-star selection, compiled 3630 hits, and is widely considered the best left fielder of all time, and is in the Hall of Fame. But for OUR money, the fact that he played the harmonica on Hee Haw in 1994 AND made an album of harmonica songs? THAT is what makes someone famous.
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I think my husband is cheating on me. I keep finding little clues around the house - hotel keys, receipts for restaurants we've never been to, that sort of thing. I feel guilty even thinking it, but I have to know. Should I approach him and just ask? Or should I spy on him to find out? -- BETRAYED IN BALTIMORE
Dear Betrayed -
I'm dead.
Conrad Bain
Todd Bridges is the one from Diff'rent Strokes who lived the longest? Crazy.
