The Stiffs
For the 32nd year running, our fondest farewells to the recently departed. If they were on anybody’s list, or mattered at all, they’re here. Looking for everybody? Try the Directory.
Dolores Huerta
Got half of America to boycott grapes and gave farmworkers the rallying cry "sí se puede." Negotiating with death, though? No se puede.
Barbara Barrie
Nominated for an Oscar, a Tony and three Emmys, and lost every single one. Death is the first time anybody opened the envelope and actually read her name.
Patrick Stewart
Did sixty years of Shakespeare, and the world only noticed once he put on space pajamas as Captain Picard. Finally beamed up for good.
Susan Saint James
Played the "Wife" in McMillan & Wife, billed behind a man and an ampersand. She finally gets her name first, on the headstone.
Walter Koenig
NBC hired him in 1967 because they wanted a Davy Jones lookalike to snag the teenage girls, then slapped a Monkees wig on him to close the deal. He spent the next six decades insisting everything was invented in Russia, survived a space eel crawling into his ear in Wrath of Khan, and asked half of San Francisco for directions to the “nuclear wessels.” Shatner and Takei are the last two standing. Place your bets.
Tom Skerritt
As Captain Dallas in Alien, he responded to a monster with acid for blood by personally crawling into an air duct after it — the kind of leadership that gets you eaten in the second act. He outlived that decision by 47 years. Then he was Viper in Top Gun, the only man in the movie who kept his shirt on for volleyball. He also won an Emmy for Picket Fences, which nobody under 50 can describe. The Reaper finally got a tone on him. Fox two.
Eva Saint
Spent years as Hollywood's oldest living Oscar winner, which made every In Memoriam reel a nail-biter. Now the Saint thing is finally official.
Jim Bakker
Ran PTL, built a Christian water park, stole millions from his flock, went to prison, then sold buckets of doomsday food on TV. Jim's finally in the end times.
Dennis Hastert
Longest-serving Republican speaker in history, and that's somehow the second-worst thing on his record. Once third in line for the presidency, now first in line for Hell.
Esther Rantzen
Spent 20 years doing That's Life! on British television. Turns out it also does that thing.
Peter Max
Painted every rainbow-colored poster in your parents' house in 1968. Finally tripped all the way out.
Gloria Steinem
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. And everybody needs a coffin, eventually.
Ratko Mladic
"The Butcher of Bosnia" spent his last years in a cell in The Hague. And now he's in a smaller cell. Rot.
Dolly Parton
9 to 5 is over. Not one person on this website is happy about this one, and we're the assholes. Just a legend.
Jaye Morgan
Gong Show judge, flashed her breasts on national TV and got permanently banned from NBC. Finally got her gong.
Shelley Fabares
Johnny Angel, how she loved him. Lived happily ever after with Coach. Not so happily now.
Nancy Kissinger
Married Henry Kissinger, choked a protester at an airport, and outlived him by three years. The marriage was the war crime.
Hayden Panettiere
"Save the cheerleader, save the world." Nobody saved the cheerleader.
Tommy John
Most people know the name from the surgery and not the pitcher, which is pretty rough. He threw his last pitch, and this time no one can fix the elbow.
Don Nelson
Won five championships as a Celtic and then coached 31 years in the NBA without winning a single one. Nellie Ball has fouled out.
Vincent Pastore
Big Pussy sleeps with the fishes. Tony would be proud. Well - no. Not really.
Sam Neill
Ran from dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. The dinosaurs, finally, have won.
Lindsey Graham
Spent 20 years in the Senate trying to start a war somewhere. Death beat him to the punch.
Randolph Mantooth
Played a paramedic on Emergency! for six years, and basically every real paramedic in America signed up because of him. He knew what to do. They just couldn't do it.
Ann Widdecombe
The Conservative MP Labour called "Doris Karloff" was against gay marriage, abortion, fox hunting bans and fun. Somewhere, a fox is dancing.
Bonnie Tyler
She was holding out for a hero. The hero did not arrive in time.
Louise Lasser
Played Mary Hartman, was married to Woody Allen, and was arrested for not paying for a $35 doll. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman - Mary Hartman's dead.
Clive Davis
Discovered Janis Joplin, Bruce Springsteen, Whitney Houston and Alicia Keys. Arista Records is going to need a new man to stand next to the talent at the Grammys.
Alan Greenspan
Said the market had "irrational exuberance" in 1996, then watched it go up for four more years. Finally made a call that stuck.
Gene Shalit
Movie critic, pun machine, and owner of a mustache that had its own zip code. Two thumbs way, way down.
Bob Packwood
Resigned from the Senate after 29 women accused him of sexual harassment, and when they asked for his diaries, he edited them. He can't edit this one.
Bob Horner
Hit four home runs in one game for the Braves, then went to Japan and became a god. Back to being mortal now.
Sonny Rollins
Took sabbaticals from jazz to practice his saxophone alone on the Williamsburg Bridge. The bridge would like everyone to know it finally has some peace and quiet.
Kyle Busch
Two Cup Series titles, and he was the most hated man in NASCAR for 20 years running. Rowdy finally crossed the line for the last time.
Barney Frank
Ran a gay escort service out of his apartment - allegedly without knowing - and then wrote Dodd-Frank. Sort of a theme: other people's money.
Jason Collins
First openly gay player in the NBA. An absolute class act who left way too early. We got nothing funny here.
Rex Reed
Spent sixty years telling us which movies sucked. His review of the afterlife: "Derivative."
Bobby Cox
Got ejected from more games than any manager in baseball history. This time he finally stays out.
Ted Turner
Founded CNN, owned the Braves, married Jane Fonda, and owned more land than anybody else in America. Mouth of the South - shut at last.
David Allan Coe
Wrote "Take This Job and Shove It", recorded some albums we can't legally describe on this website, and owed the IRS for most of his life. The IRS will be at the funeral.
Davey Lopes
Stole 557 bases and won a World Series with the Dodgers. Got thrown out at home.
Valerie Perrine
Played Miss Teschmacher in Superman and posed for Playboy, and the Playboy pictures were a lot more popular.
Robert Mueller
Spent two years investigating Donald Trump, wrote 448 pages, then answered every question in Congress with "that's outside my purview". Death was outside his purview too.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't die. Death dies, and then Chuck Norris shows up at its funeral. ...Hold on, we're getting word this was not, in fact, the case.
Lou Holtz
Coached Notre Dame to a national title, then spent 30 years on ESPN lisping at college students. Death has finally given Lou a halftime speech.
Ayatollah Khamenei
For 37 years he ran Iran as its Supreme Leader, a job title that tells you everything about his management style. He decided what women could wear on their heads, what everyone could say online and who went to prison for disagreeing, then relaxed by leading crowds in chants of “Death to America.” After enough repetitions, America took it as an RSVP. Iran declared 40 days of mourning, which is still more fun than anything he allowed while he was alive.
Bo Gritz
The real-life inspiration for John Rambo spent his retirement selling survivalist courses and running for president on the Populist ticket. First Blood, last breath.
Neil Sedaka
Breaking up is hard to do. Dying seems to come pretty easily.
Bill Mazeroski
Hit the only Game 7 walk-off home run in World Series history. Nobody in Pittsburgh has had a reason to celebrate since.
Eric Dane
McSteamy is now McStiffy. ALS is a rotten way to go, and Eric was way too young for it.
Jesse Jackson
Ran for president twice, fathered a love child, and called New York "Hymietown". The Reverend has finally kept hope alive... somewhere else.
Robert Duvall
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning." The morning, sadly, has now passed.
James Van Der Beek
Dawson's creek has finally run dry. Way too damn soon, and we are not laughing at this one.
Bud Cort
Played Harold in Harold and Maude, a love story about a young man obsessed with death. Method acting finally paid off.
Saif Gaddafi
Spent most of his life as heir to the Libyan dictatorship, the rest dodging the people who wanted the heir dead. They won.
John Brodie
Played 17 seasons as quarterback for the 49ers without winning a thing, then became a pro golfer. San Francisco says he was very consistent.
Valentino Garavani
He spent sixty years putting the world’s richest women in red dresses so expensive they came with their own security detail. He dressed Jackie Kennedy to marry a Greek shipping tycoon, Julia Roberts to collect her Oscar and every princess with a trust fund in between, all while maintaining a tan the color of a very expensive handbag. He died at home in Rome. Somewhere a pug in a monogrammed sweater is wondering who pays for dinner now.
Scott Adams
Dilbert's dad finally clocked out of the cubicle for good. Prostate cancer turned out to be the ultimate pointy-haired boss.
Bob Weir
The Grateful Dead's rhythm guitarist had a long, strange trip. Bobby is now fully Grateful.