The Stiffs for 2003

For the 30th year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.

If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.

If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.

Elliott Smith · 34

August 6th, 1969 - December 21st, 2003

From a basement on the hill indeed.

Hope Lange · 70

November 28th, 1933 - December 19th, 2003

The star of The Ghost And Mrs. Muir has just changed roles.

Otto Graham · 82

December 6th, 1921 - December 17th, 2003

In the words of the traditional Palindromic farewell ...
"Maharg, Otto Graham."

Paul Simon · 75

November 29th, 1928 - December 9th, 2003

There goes two-timin' Simon

Gertrude Ederle · 98

October 23rd, 1905 - November 30th, 2003

She's greasing up for another crossing as we speak.

Warren Spahn · 82

April 23rd, 1921 - November 24th, 2003

Dead Pool veterans will doubtless remember the familiar, sing-song refrain, "Spahn and Sprague, and pray for plague."

Arthur Conley · 57

January 4th, 1946 - November 17th, 2003

Spotlight on rigor mortis now.

Don Gibson · 75

April 3rd, 1928 - November 17th, 2003

Sweet dreams, Gib.

Laurence Tisch · 80

March 5th, 1923 - November 15th, 2003

Just another dead billionaire.

Speedy West · 79

January 25th, 1924 - November 15th, 2003

Make that south, and completely stationary.

Penny Singleton · 95

September 15th, 1908 - November 12th, 2003

Dagwood's wife has lost her life.

Art Carney · 85

November 4th, 1918 - November 9th, 2003

Tragically felled by the anti-Norton virus.

Bobby Hatfield · 63

August 10th, 1940 - November 5th, 2003

He's lost all thought and feeling. The cause? Unnamed malady.

Rod Roddy · 66

September 28th, 1937 - October 27th, 2003

Come on down!

Madame Chiang Kai-Shek · 106

May 3, 1897 - October 23rd, 2003

The oldest and most celebrated brothel owner in history. It's said that she once gave Confucius a hand-job.

Fred Berry · 52

March 19th, 1951 - October 21st, 2003

Not happening!!

Jack Elam · 82

November 13th, 1920 - October 20th, 2003

Jesus Christ! It's that goofy-lookin' old cowboy guy with the fucked up eyes, and he's been dead for more than two weeks! What the hell are you guys doing over there!?

Bill Shoemaker · 72

August 19th, 1931 - October 12th, 2003

The Shoe drops.

Wally George · 71

December 4th, 1931 - October 5th, 2003

You're outta here!

Elia Kazan · 94

September 7th, 1909 - September 28th, 2003

A tree grows in Brooklyn, and a rat bastard dies in Manhattan.

Althea Gibson · 76

August 25th, 1927 - September 28th, 2003

'Thea later.

Donald O'Connor · 78

August 28th, 1925 - September 27th, 2003

Ah, the highs and lows of an actor

Robert Palmer · 54

January 19th, 1949 - September 26th, 2003

Simply irretrievable.

George Plimpton · 76

March 18th, 1927 - September 25th, 2003

Once again, George plays the part of participatory journalist, this time for a work entitled Paper Dyin'.

Gordon Jump · 71

April 1st, 1932 - September 22nd, 2003

Gordon make mistake.

Sheb Wooley · 82

April 10th, 1921 - September 16th, 2003

He was a one-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
One-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
A one-hit, one-joke guy from 50 years ago,
Now he's history.

Johnny Cash · 71

February 26th, 1932 - September 12th, 2003

Spent (not to mention cold and hard).

John Ritter · 54

September 17th, 1948 - September 11th, 2003

We've been waiting for you (we've been waiting for you).

Edward Teller · 95

January 15th, 1908 - September 9th, 2003

They call him the father of the hydrogen bomb. Shoulda used a condom, Eddie.

Leni Riefenstahl · 101

August 22nd, 1902 - September 8th, 2003

Triumph this, Fraulein!

Warren Zevon · 56

January 24th, 1947 - September 7th, 2003

His hair was perfect.

Charles Bronson · 81

November 3rd, 1921 - August 30th, 2003

Wish granted.

Jinx Falkenburg · 84

January 21st, 1919 - August 27th, 2003

Sadly, we say goodbye to one of the last, few remaining stars from the great Hanna-Barbera stable.

Bobby Bonds · 57

March 15th, 1946 - August 23rd, 2003

We understand his kid is pretty good, too.

Wesley Willis · 40

May 31st, 1963 - August 21st, 2003

Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago,
Forest Lawn — celebrate a life!

Idi Amin · 78

August 1st, 1925 - August 16th, 2003

Not a nice man.

Herb Brooks · 66

August 5th, 1937 - August 11th, 2003

Do you believe in Herbsicles? YES!

Gregory Hines · 57

February 14th, 1946 - August 9th, 2003

Tapped out.

Sam Phillips · 80

January 5th, 1923 - July 30th, 2003

Remarkably, he still managed to meet the filing deadline, and will be on the ballot in California.

Bob Hope · 100

May 29th, 1903 - July 27th, 2003

Thanks for nothin', you useless old pile of crap.

John Schlesinger · 77

February 16th, 1926 - July 25th, 2003

He's goin' where the sun keeps shinin' through the pourin' rain.

Celia Cruz · 77

October 21st, 1925 - July 16th, 2003

Azucar!

Carol Shields · 68

June 2nd, 1935 - July 16th, 2003

The Pulitzer-Prize winning Canadian novelist is survived and mourned by long-time mime partner Yarnell.

Tex Schramm · 83

June 2nd, 1920 - July 15th, 2003

Maybe he was funny-lookin' ... but he made the best damned oil filters this country's ever seen.

Benny Carter · 95

August 8th, 1907 - July 12th, 2003

The King is dead. Long live the King.

Buddy Ebsen · 95

April 2nd, 1908 - July 6th, 2003

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Bud,
Ninety-five and happy as a hog in the mud,
And then one day, he was chewin' on some food,
And in through the door come The Adios Dude.
Death, that is ...
Black Knight ...
Mr. D ....

Well, the first thing you know,
Bud's cryin' like a girl,
Death said, "You're the biggest pussy in the world."
Said, "Purgatory is the place you ought to be,"
So he pulled out his plug, and Buddy drew a Z.
Died, that is ...
Screwed the pooch ...
Bought the farm ....

Won't come back, now ... y'hea'

Barry White · 58

September 12th, 1944 - July 4th, 2003

As we suspected, his love was NOT unlimited.

N!xau

July 1st, 2003

Meanwhile, the relentless Hollywood fame machine chews up, spits out, and throws away another dreamer. The gods must be completely out of their friggin' minds.

Herbie Mann · 73

April 16th, 1930 - July 1st, 2003

Hey, speak of the Beetle ....

Buddy Hackett · 78

August 31st, 1924 - June 30th, 2003

His best friend was a fucking Volkswagen, okay?

Katharine Hepburn · 96

May 12th, 1907 - June 29th, 2003

Death could've put the whammy on her a long time ago, if she'd just held still for a second.

Strom Thurmond · 100

December 5th, 1902 - June 26th, 2003

Cigar.

Denis Thatcher · 88

May 10th, 1915 - June 26th, 2003

Close, but no cigar.

Lester Maddox · 87

September 30th, 1915 - June 25th, 2003

Georgia's irrepressible segregationist, who defied the 1964 Civil Rights Act by chasing three black students from his restaurant with a gun. Given twenty days to desegregate, Maddox chose instead to close and sell the place, for which they made him Governor. Later, after his political career waned, he attempted to update his image by launching a nightclub comedy act with a black ex-con he had pardoned while in office. They were billed as "The Governor and the Dishwasher." We're not making this up.

Leon Uris · 78

August 3rd, 1924 - June 21st, 2003

Exodus.

Bob Stump · 76

April 4th, 1927 - June 20th, 2003

The Congressman (R-AZ) holds a special place in our hearts for his announcement from the House floor on June 5, 1998 that Bob Hope had died. You always were a schmuck, Stumpy, but thanks for the traffic.

Larry Doby · 79

December 13th, 1923 - June 18th, 2003

The first name in noise reduction does it again.

Hume Cronyn · 91

July 18th, 1911 - June 15th, 2003

He's been ex-Humed.

Gregory Peck · 87

April 5th, 1916 - June 12th, 2003

Atticus finished.

David Brinkley

June 11th, 2003

Good night, David.

Shooby Taylor · 73

September 19th, 1929 - June 4th, 2003

They called him "The Human Horn". Insert joke about getting blown here.

Freddie Blassie · 85

February 8th, 1918 - June 2nd, 2003

There once was a wrestler named Blassie
Who was big and blond, sweaty and sassy
Screaming week after week
About pencil-necked geeks
Naturally, he became known as "Classy."

June Cash · 73

June 23rd, 1929 - May 15th, 2003

We heard that she fell into a burning ring of fire, which sounds like a pretty rough way to go.

Robert Stack · 84

January 13th, 1919 - May 14th, 2003

The unsolvable mystery here is how this hunk of wood kept getting work. The guy was like a marionette, for Chris'sakes.

Dave DeBusschere · 62

October 16th, 1940 - May 14th, 2003

DeCeased.

Noel Redding · 57

December 25th, 1945 - May 12th, 2003

Are you expendable? Haven't you always been expendable?

Felice Bryant · 77

August 7th, 1925 - April 22nd, 2003

She's through with romance, she's through with love,
She's through with countin' the stars above,
And here's the reason that she's so free,
Boudleaux's old lady has ceased to be ....

Nina Simone · 70

February 21st, 1933 - April 21st, 2003

Oh, what a lovely precious dream,
to be young, gifted and black,
and not dead yet.

Cholly Atkins · 89

September 30th, 1913 - April 19th, 2003

Funk getting ready to roll!

J. Paul Getty, Jr. · 70

September 7th, 1932 - April 17th, 2003

See you later, Junior. Thanks for the art.

Earl King · 69

February 7th, 1934 - April 17th, 2003

They done put him in a trick bag.

Robert Atkins · 72

October 17th, 1930 - April 17th, 2003

His high-protein, low-carbohydrate approach to weight loss differed radically from the conventional wisdom of the medical establishment, and was widely criticized as risky. Nevertheless, Atkins steadfastly maintained that his dietary recommendations would lead to nothing more dangerous than a diminished sense of balance. He died of injuries sustained when he fell and hit his head on the sidewalk.

Little Eva · 59

June 29th, 1943 - April 10th, 2003

There's never been a dance that's so easy to do.

Homer Banks · 61

August 2nd, 1941 - April 4th, 2003

He can't stand up for falling down.

Edwin Starr · 61

January 21st, 1942 - March 31st, 2003

What is he good for? Absolutely nothin' (say it again).

Michael Jeter · 50

August 26th, 1952 - March 30th, 2003

You probably remember him from stuff like The Fisher King and The Green Mile - but what about his theatre work in Greater Tuna? No?

Daniel Moynihan · 76

March 16th, 1927 - March 26th, 2003

Necro-conservative, or necro-liberal ...?

Joseph Coors · 85

November 12th, 1917 - March 15th, 2003

Described by his own brother as "a little bit right of Attila the Hun," this third-generation brewing tycoon barred trade unions, fixed prices, and gave this country the affliction known as James Watt. Also, the beer sucks.

Howard Fast · 88

November 11th, 1914 - March 11th, 2003

Actually, Howard not moving at all.

Hank Ballard · 75

November 18th, 1927 - March 2nd, 2003

Hey, now, hey, now, hey, now, hey, now,
it's singer (drop) droppin' time ...

Fred Rogers · 74

March 20th, 1928 - February 27th, 2003

There goes the neighborhood.

Tom Glazer · 88

September 2nd, 1914 - February 21st, 2003

The man who wrote "On Top Of Old Smoky" is all covered with dirt.

Johnny PayCheck · 64

May 31st, 1938 - February 19th, 2003

The Big Bank In The Sky has issued a stop payment.

Johnny Longden · 96

February 14th, 1907 - February 14th, 2003

Of course, the papers failed to mention that he lost 26,381 times.

Walt Rostow · 86

October 7th, 1916 - February 13th, 2003

He was hailed as one of JFK's Best and Brightest, and was also one of the chief architects of America's involvement in Vietnam. Something just doesn't add up.

Stacy Keach · 88

May 29th, 1914 - February 13th, 2003

Famous for developing, producing and directing radio's "Tales Of The Texas Rangers," and for having a kid with a hare-lip.

Ron Ziegler · 63

May 12th, 1939 - February 10th, 2003

His third-rate heart has become inoperative.

Mongo Santamaria · 85

April 7th, 1917 - February 1st, 2003

Mongo was only pawn ... in game of life.

Nell Carter · 54

September 13th, 1948 - January 23rd, 2003

Ain't respiratin'.

Bill Mauldin · 81

October 29th, 1921 - January 22nd, 2003

Looks like his inkwell has dried up, too.

Al Hirschfeld · 99

June 21st, 1903 - January 20th, 2003

The end of the line.

Richard Crenna · 76

November 30th, 1926 - January 17th, 2003

How can a loser ever win?

Maurice Gibb · 53

December 22nd, 1949 - January 12th, 2003

How can you mend this broken man?

Jean Kerr · 80

July 10th, 1922 - January 5th, 2003

Please don't eat the daisies she's pushing up.

Sid Gillman · 91

October 26th, 1911 - January 3rd, 2003

This Hall of Fame coach was said to have one of the most brilliant minds in football, which puts his IQ at almost 100.

Sydney Omarr · 76

August 5th, 1926 - January 2nd, 2003

Do you suppose President and Nancy Reagan would have been quite so taken with the Astrologer To The Stars if they'd known his real name was Sidney Kimmelman?

Year	Stiffs
2024	12
2023	52
2022	44
2021	56
2020	71
2019	54
2018	51
2017	65
2016	72
2015	59
2014	63
2013	68
2012	81
2011	65
2010	80
2009	65
2008	83
2007	78
2006	99
2005	84
2004	70
2003	97
2002	101
2001	99
2000	92
1999	192
1998	127
1997	119
1996	63
1995	40

Guess the Stiff!