The Stiffs for 1998
For the 30th year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.
If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.
If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.
124
Richard Paul · 58June 6th, 1940 - December 25th, 1998
This character actor might be best known for his portrayal of Jerry Falwell in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. Here's a case where life imitating art would be kinda cool.
122
David Manners · 98December 31, 1900 - December 23rd, 1998
We tried to come up with something on this guy, but then we realized that we just don't know anything about Manners.
120
Michelle Thomas · 30September 23rd, 1968 - December 22nd, 1998
They're saying she died of stomach cancer, but we know better. She was Urkel's girlfriend, for crying out loud.
119
Mel Fisher · 76August 21st, 1922 - December 19th, 1998
He's come full circle, from searching for sunken treasure to being sunken treasure.
118
Paddy Leahy · 81May 20th, 1917 - December 17th, 1998
He was Ireland's version of Jack Kevorkian, claiming to have helped some 50 people to die, and swearing he would kill himself. He went to Thailand to fulfill his promise, but returned upon discovering that euthanasia is illegal there too. Then he died in his sleep. What a schmuck.
117
Annette Strauss · 74January 26th, 1924 - December 14th, 1998
She used to be the mayor of Dallas, and now she's dead, but we don't know which is worse.
115
Lew Grade · 91December 25th, 1906 - December 13th, 1998
In 1980, this entertainment mogul said of his $30 million flop Raise The Titanic, "It would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic." We know what really killed him.
114
Lawton Chiles · 68April 3rd, 1930 - December 12th, 1998
Appropriately, they called him "Walkin' Lawton," after he crisscrossed the state of Florida on foot during a Senate campaign. Now, just as appropriately, they call him "mulch."
112
Archie Moore · 81December 13th, 1916 - December 9th, 1998
In his amazing 27-year career, he knocked out more opponents than any other boxer (141), and was the only man to face both Rocky Marciano and Muhammad Ali. Sure, he lost this battle, but look how much softening up it took before Death could count him out.
111
Michael Zaslow · 56November 1st, 1942 - December 6th, 1998
Recently starred in One Life To Live, and now provides us with substantiation of that maxim.
110
Al Gore, Sr. · 90December 26th, 1907 - December 5th, 1998
The truth shall rise again, but this guy won't.
109
John Stanford · 60September 14th, 1938 - November 28th, 1998
He kicked butt in 'Nam. He mowed 'em down in Desert Storm. Man, those Seattle school kids are tough.
108
Flip Wilson · 64December 8th, 1933 - November 25th, 1998
He always claimed that the Devil made him do it, but in this case, the culprit was liver cancer.
107
Dick Sisler · 78November 2nd, 1920 - November 20th, 1998
Hemingway wrote about him in The Old Man and the Sea. A baseball player. What the fuck?
106
Tase Matunaga · 114November 5, 1884 - November 18th, 1998
At 114, she was Japan's oldest living person. No wonder sushi is so expensive.
105
Weeb EwbankNovember 17th, 1998
He once coached the Jets to a Super Bowl victory, which is akin to ... well, we don't know what it's akin to, but it's pretty fucking amazing.
104
Stokely Carmichael · 57June 29th, 1941 - November 15th, 1998
This leader of the American civil rights movement of the 1960s, and onetime prime minister of the Black Panthers, left the United States for Africa in 1969, taking the name Kwame Ture. In the late '70s, he moved again and began calling himself Johnny Bravo. Finally, just before his death, he retired to a nursing home in Redondo Beach, and settled on the name Gidget.
103
Valerie Hobson · 81April 14th, 1917 - November 13th, 1998
Talk about bad luck. First, she's born a Brit. Then, her husband is exposed as the central figure in a big sex and security scandal, but it happens 30 years before Hard Copy, so she can't cash in. Now she's dead, and she's only on one list! What a pisser.
101
Bob Kane · 83October 24th, 1915 - November 3rd, 1998
Batman, schmatman. Every idiot on the planet wants to talk about some rich fruitcake in tights who spends all his time dressing up and running around with a little boy. Hello? This is the same guy who gave us Courageous Cat and Cool McCool. Now there's some goddamned heroes.
100
Burton Cross · 95November 15th, 1902 - October 22nd, 1998
Once governor of Maine, he lost his re-election bid to political powerhouse Edmund Muskie. No wonder we never heard of him.
99
Clark Clifford · 91December 25th, 1906 - October 10th, 1998
The colossal cosmic clock clangs out closing time for Cliffy. This clandestine, client-collecting clown has climbed into the clay and clover club. Clearly, we have closure.
97
Mark BelangerOctober 6th, 1998
For God's sake, when are the people of Baltimore going to learn to stay the hell away from Boog's Bar-B-Q?!
96
Roddy McDowall · 70September 17th, 1928 - October 3rd, 1998
Forgive us if we wax nostalgic for a moment, but our feelings for this actor simply cannot go unspoken. There was something about his face, or maybe it was the way he spoke, that made us just want to kick his teeth in.
95
Denny Welch · 38October 1st, 1960 - October 2nd, 1998
Only in America. Under the name "Eartha Quake," this 800-pound former exotic dancer gained national fame when good samaritan Jerry Springer used his obesity as a cause celebre. They had to knock over a wall to get Eartha out of his house and into a hospital. What a touching story. Of course, this was all before he pled no contest to charges that he let three young boys watch porno movies at his place. We're not making this stuff up, folks.
94
Korla Pandit · 77September 16th, 1921 - October 1st, 1998
Actually, Zach met this guy once. He was like a Chihuahua in a turban.
93
Dan Quisenberry · 45February 7th, 1953 - September 30th, 1998
Whoops, here comes the skipper, and it looks like he's bringing the hook.
90
Mary Frann · 55February 27th, 1943 - September 23rd, 1998
Serves her right for trying to fill Suzanne Pleshette's girdle.
88
Red Hoff · 107August 5, 1891 - September 17th, 1998
He claimed to have struck out Ty Cobb once. Makes a nice story, except that he also claimed to have discovered Jupiter.
86
Leonid Kinskey · 95April 18th, 1903 - September 8th, 1998
We're no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of one little character actor don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.
85
Akira Kurosawa · 88March 23rd, 1910 - September 6th, 1998
If he was such a great director, how come they never let him do any of the Godzilla movies?
84
Leo Penn · 77August 27th, 1921 - September 5th, 1998
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but cancer'll kick your ass no matter what your last name is.
82
Lewis Powell · 90September 19th, 1907 - August 25th, 1998
This Nixon Supreme Court appointee belonged to whites-only organizations and kept gay sex illegal. What a dick.
81
Woody Stephens · 84September 1st, 1913 - August 21st, 1998
It's really too bad. Such a great career, but then Woody snapped a fetlock, and had to be destroyed.
80
Phil Leeds · 82April 6th, 1916 - August 16th, 1998
He was one of those guys who played a million bit parts on a zillion crappy TV shows, but his real claim to fame was as the dog catcher in the movie that stands as the all-time greatest source for Dead Pool candidates: Won Ton Ton, The Dog Who Saved Hollywood. Rent it tonight, and make a few lists.
79
Jim Murray · 78December 29th, 1919 - August 16th, 1998
Pretty pathetic that nobody had him in any of five different games, and if you think we're gonna relax The Jim Murray Rule just 'cause he's dead, you got another thing coming.
78
Rose BlumkinAugust 8th, 1998
A blumkin by any other name, would smell as -- wait, that's not right. Well, she's dead, anyway.
77
Shari Lewis · 65January 17th, 1933 - August 2nd, 1998
Apparently, uterine cancer can result from prolonged, direct contact with mutton.
76
Milan Kovacevic · 57February 10th, 1941 - August 1st, 1998
He was a former anesthesiologist and mayor of Prijedor. Not much of a celebrity by our standards, but hey, it's Serbia.
75
Buffalo Bob Smith · 80November 27th, 1917 - July 30th, 1998
Hey, kids, what time is it!? Time to put stinky old Bob in the ground, that's what time it is.
74
Jerome RobbinsJuly 29th, 1998
This is truly a tragedy. No, not because of all that stupid dancing stuff, but this is the guy who was personally responsible for creating 22 of the original 31 flavors.
73
Tal Farlow · 77June 7th, 1921 - July 25th, 1998
Fart allow ...
L.A. Art Wolf ...
All fat row ...
Fallow rat ...
Sometimes when we can't think of a good blurb, we just make anagrams from the dead guy's name.
Lola F. Wart ...
This is one of those times.
L.A. Art Wolf ...
All fat row ...
Fallow rat ...
Sometimes when we can't think of a good blurb, we just make anagrams from the dead guy's name.
Lola F. Wart ...
This is one of those times.
71
Robert YoungJuly 21st, 1998
While the titles of the two shows he's best known for, Father Knows Best and Marcus Welby, M.D., would indicate a man of some intelligence, the truth is that behind that bemused smile lurked a complete moron.
68
Virginia GuynesJuly 2nd, 1998
... Demi's Mom kicked the bucket. Yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus, but now you're both dead.
67
Robert George · 74June 1st, 1924 - July 1st, 1998
He was the official Santa Claus to six U.S. Presidents, with 38 Santa outfits, and a year-round Yuletide display, and yet, no one ever questioned his sanity. Then, the very day after he ho-ho-hoed his last ...
66
Glenn MontgomeryJune 28th, 1998
This former defensive lineman for the Oilers and Seahawks succumbed to Lou Gehrig's disease, but was heard to remark that he did not consider himself one of the luckiest men on the face of the Earth.
65
Maureen O'SullivanJune 22nd, 1998
She managed to salvage her career by starring in A Day At The Races, right in the middle of a whole string of idiotic movies that featured her running around the jungle with a chimp and a guy in a diaper.
63
Sani AbachaJune 8th, 1998
What, you never heard of him? He was the Nigerian dictator who, after promising a return to democratic elections, forced all registering parties to name him as their Presidential candidate. This was a guy who knew how to dictate.
62
Jeanette NolanJune 5th, 1998
If you've ever doubted the corrupting influence of Hollywood, consider Ms. Nolan's career. She made her film debut in 1948 as Lady Macbeth opposite Orson Welles. Two years later, she played Ma Higgins in Saddle Tramp, and by '57, she was portraying Chottsie Gubenheimer on Wagon Train. We're not making this stuff up, folks.
61
Shirley Povich · 92July 15th, 1905 - June 4th, 1998
He was Maury's father, and he wrote for the Washington Post for more than 70 years, but that didn't stop him from being listed in 1962's Who's Who Of American Women. This guy got around.
59
Phil Hartman · 49September 24th, 1948 - May 28th, 1998
This is a weird one. He was a celebrity AND a Canadian, and we still liked him. Go figure.
58
Todd Witsken · 34November 4th, 1963 - May 25th, 1998
He could handle the overhead lob, but not the in-the-head blob.
57
Robert Morgan · 70July 23rd, 1927 - May 22nd, 1998
The bossest of the Boss Jocks is #8 with a bullet on Julie's hit list. That BITCH!
56
Montie Montana · 87June 21st, 1910 - May 20th, 1998
He was actually from the town of Bennington, but somehow, Vermie Vermont just didn't sound right.
55
Karolj Seles · 72May 1st, 1926 - May 14th, 1998
The King of the Yugoslavian tennis-Dad editorial cartoonists is toast.
54
Frank Sinatra · 82December 12th, 1915 - May 14th, 1998
"Put a coupla pennies on Ol' Blue Eyes .... He's a goner."
No, that's no good. We gotta do better than that. How 'bout
"Start spreadin' the news -- he's dead."
No, that's lame. This death is big. This death is bigger than big. It's huge. We need something really fantastic, like
"The Chairman is as stiff as a board."
That sucks. Dammit, we've got to think harder!
"From Here To Eternity."
Awful.
"Shot down in May."
Pathetic. Wait a sec,
"He did it--"
No, no, that's worse than the Henny Youngman thing. Jesus, the pressure is killing us. Do you people have any idea what this is like? Seventy-five million of you bloodthirsty sons-of-bitches are gonna be checking into this site right here, just to see what we write about Frank, and you know what? Yeah, he was a big star and a boozer and a womanizer and a pig and everything, but we know you bastards, and you're vicious. You're gonna want us to go for the jugular on this one, and man, we just weren't ready. Yeah, yeah, we shoulda seen it coming, it's true, but, jeez, the guy's like a statue or something, you know? Somehow, we just couldn't imagine it really, actually happening. And now it's happened, and we're completely stuck. Shit. We're fucked. We've been waiting and waiting for them to plant this old fart and put us in the spotlight, and now that baby's trained right on us, and we don't know what the hell to do. Okay, hang on. We've just got to pull it together and give it our best shot. Okay. Let's take a deep breath. We can get through this. Alright. Here we go. Ready?
"He's been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet -- and now he's a corpse."
God, that's horrible. Sorry.
No, that's no good. We gotta do better than that. How 'bout
"Start spreadin' the news -- he's dead."
No, that's lame. This death is big. This death is bigger than big. It's huge. We need something really fantastic, like
"The Chairman is as stiff as a board."
That sucks. Dammit, we've got to think harder!
"From Here To Eternity."
Awful.
"Shot down in May."
Pathetic. Wait a sec,
"He did it--"
No, no, that's worse than the Henny Youngman thing. Jesus, the pressure is killing us. Do you people have any idea what this is like? Seventy-five million of you bloodthirsty sons-of-bitches are gonna be checking into this site right here, just to see what we write about Frank, and you know what? Yeah, he was a big star and a boozer and a womanizer and a pig and everything, but we know you bastards, and you're vicious. You're gonna want us to go for the jugular on this one, and man, we just weren't ready. Yeah, yeah, we shoulda seen it coming, it's true, but, jeez, the guy's like a statue or something, you know? Somehow, we just couldn't imagine it really, actually happening. And now it's happened, and we're completely stuck. Shit. We're fucked. We've been waiting and waiting for them to plant this old fart and put us in the spotlight, and now that baby's trained right on us, and we don't know what the hell to do. Okay, hang on. We've just got to pull it together and give it our best shot. Okay. Let's take a deep breath. We can get through this. Alright. Here we go. Ready?
"He's been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet -- and now he's a corpse."
God, that's horrible. Sorry.
53
Marjory Douglas · 108July 4, 1890 - May 14th, 1998
The ashes of this champion of the Florida Everglades will be scattered over her beloved wetlands. She'll then become one of the few people for whom the epithet "pond scum" accurately applies.
51
Eddie Rabbitt · 56November 27th, 1941 - May 7th, 1998
He was drivin' his life away, AND he loved a rainy night, which is a dangerous combination. Then he went and died of cancer. Silly Rabbitt.
49
Octavio PazApril 19th, 1998
Not only was he Mexico's leading literary figure (which isn't saying much) but he had completely cornered the Central American market for those cute little candy dispensers.
48
Linda Schele · 55October 30th, 1942 - April 18th, 1998
The noted Mayan scholar and historian, of course. Not only did we not know who she was when she was alive, but she was dead for a week before somebody finally pointed out that she was on a list. What are we, the goddamned FBI?
47
Terry Sanford · 80August 20th, 1917 - April 18th, 1998
A former Senator, Governor and University President who twice ran for the Democratic Presidential nomination, but you can bet that if he weren't on 59 lists, we wouldn't even be talking about him.
46
Linda McCartney · 56September 24th, 1941 - April 17th, 1998
We think Paul really put things in the proper perspective when he said, "Go veggie."
45
Marie-Louise Meilleur · 117December 31, 1880 - April 16th, 1998
Though she didn't quite make it to 118, she is survived by 4 of her 10 children, 85 grandchildren, 80 great-grandchildren, and 57 great-great-grandchildren. What a slut!
44
Pol Pot · 72May 19th, 1925 - April 15th, 1998
What an asshole. Not only does he slaughter a million innocent people, but now we gotta rename that damned provision again.
42
Frederick Lenz · 48February 9th, 1950 - April 12th, 1998
The author of "Surfing The Himalayas" and "Snowboarding To Nirvana" is now shooting the curl with Kurt.
41
Wendy Williams · 48May 28th, 1949 - April 7th, 1998
This one's bound to send shock waves through the music industry.
36
Bella Abzug · 77July 24th, 1920 - March 31st, 1998
Her name, translated into English, means "beautiful earwig."
34
Benjamin Spock · 94May 2nd, 1903 - March 15th, 1998
Fittingly, his final words were said to be "Goo goo, ga ga."
32
Sonny Bloch · 61March 1st, 1937 - March 10th, 1998
We don't have a good blurb for this guy, but he was the inspiration for something called "The Sonny Bloch Situation" (now obsolete). Don't you wish you'd found this site a long time ago?
31
Lloyd Bridges · 85January 15th, 1913 - March 10th, 1998
Looks like he picked the wrong week to stop breathing.
30
James McDougal · 57August 25th, 1940 - March 8th, 1998
Old McDougal bought the farm (Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh) ...
28
Fred Friendly · 82October 30th, 1915 - March 4th, 1998
That's not his real name, of course. Before launching his distinguished career in broadcast journalism, he had the good sense to change it from the one he was born with, Johnny Blowitoutyourass.
26
Todd Duncan · 95February 12th, 1903 - February 28th, 1998
You gets a little dead and you lands right here.
25
J.T. Walsh · 54September 28th, 1943 - February 27th, 1998
He made his first movie in 1983, and he's been in 57 since then. No wonder he died.
24
Rockin Sidney · 59April 9th, 1938 - February 25th, 1998
Apparently, somebody messed with his Toot Toot, whatever the fuck that is.
23
Henny Youngman · 91March 16th, 1906 - February 24th, 1998
The worst thing about losing The King of the One-Liners is that even though it's the most obvious, worn-out, dull, insipid, overused, unfunny, hackneyed, banal, pedestrian, trite (not to mention stupid) obit line imaginable, we got e-mail from about 50 of you idiots telling us that the blurb on Henny shoulda been, "Take my life .... Please." Leave this stuff to the experts, huh? Please.
22
Antonio Prohias · 77January 17th, 1921 - February 24th, 1998
He created "Spy Vs. Spy" for Mad magazine. Now we'll never know who wins.
20
Chuck HumphreyFebruary 20th, 1998
Somebody's gonna have to explain this whole Heaven's Gate thing to us. Yeah, it's a pretty bad movie, but it couldn't possibly be as bad as Beaches, and you almost never hear about people killing themselves over that.
19
Grandpa Jones · 84October 20th, 1913 - February 19th, 1998
The amazing thing is that after having candied yams, butter beans, corn bread and gravy and blueberry cobbler every night for supper, he still lived to be 84.
18
Harry Caray · 83March 1st, 1914 - February 18th, 1998
Now that's kind of sad. We were convinced that one day, while singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," Harry was gonna fall right out of the booth, and we wanted to see it.
17
Ernst Junger · 102December 31, 1895 - February 17th, 1998
As an influential and successful warrior-author, he was heavily courted by the then-emerging Nazis, but declined to join the party. He opted instead for the more extremist, fringe groups of the time. Sounds like a fun date.
16
Lawrence Sanders · 77March 15th, 1920 - February 7th, 1998
The author of The Anderson Tapes has been erased.
14
Falco · 40February 19th, 1957 - February 6th, 1998
Don't turn around (oh OH oh) there's a bus coming, you idiot.
13
Joseph Alioto · 81February 12th, 1916 - January 28th, 1998
The old gray mayor just ain't what he used to be.
12
Shinichi Suzuki · 99December 31, 1898 - January 26th, 1998
While most Suzukis feature either a two-stroke or four-stroke engine, the violin-teacher model was apparently unable to withstand even one.
9
Carl Perkins · 65April 9th, 1932 - January 19th, 1998
You can go ahead and step on his blue suede shoes now, there's not much he can do about it.
8
Walter D. Edmonds · 94July 15th, 1903 - January 10th, 1998
He chronicled the very earliest days of the hardcore punk movement in his bestseller Drums Along The Mohawk.
7
Larry Gilbert · 55November 19th, 1942 - January 8th, 1998
This is one bunker he ain't gettin' out of.
6
Junior Wells · 63December 9th, 1934 - January 6th, 1998
Now learning to play a whole new kind of harp.
3
Sonny Bono · 62February 16th, 1935 - January 3rd, 1998
Proceeds from this year's Invitational will be put toward an all-expense paid skiing vacation for Senator Jesse Helms.
2
Mae Questel · 89September 13th, 1908 - January 2nd, 1998
In literally hundreds of animated films, she provided the voices for Betty Boop, Olive Oyl and Winky Dink.
Yes, Winky Dink.
Yes, Winky Dink.
