The Stiffs for 1998

For the 23rd year running, we present our fondest farewells to the recently departed.

If they were on any lists — or if they mattered at all in the world — you'll find them here.

If you're looking for everybody, then you need to head on over to the Directory.

124

Richard Paul · 58

June 6th, 1940 - December 25th, 1998

This character actor might be best known for his portrayal of Jerry Falwell in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. Here's a case where life imitating art would be kinda cool.

123

Mike McAlary · 41

December 15th, 1957 - December 25th, 1998

East coast columnist guy. 'Nuff said.

122

David Manners · 98

December 31, 1900 - December 23rd, 1998

We tried to come up with something on this guy, but then we realized that we just don't know anything about Manners.

121

Michelle Thomas · 30

September 23rd, 1968 - December 22nd, 1998

They're saying she died of stomach cancer, but we know better. She was Urkel's girlfriend, for crying out loud.

120

Virginia Graham · 86

July 4th, 1912 - December 22nd, 1998

Terrible loss. Great cracker.

119

Mel Fisher · 76

August 21st, 1922 - December 19th, 1998

He's come full circle, from searching for sunken treasure to being sunken treasure.

118

Paddy Leahy · 81

May 20th, 1917 - December 17th, 1998

He was Ireland's version of Jack Kevorkian, claiming to have helped some 50 people to die, and swearing he would kill himself. He went to Thailand to fulfill his promise, but returned upon discovering that euthanasia is illegal there too. Then he died in his sleep. What a schmuck.

117

Norman Fell · 74

March 24th, 1924 - December 14th, 1998

Go boom.

116

Annette Strauss · 74

January 26th, 1924 - December 14th, 1998

She used to be the mayor of Dallas, and now she's dead, but we don't know which is worse.

115

Lew Grade · 91

December 25th, 1906 - December 13th, 1998

In 1980, this entertainment mogul said of his $30 million flop Raise The Titanic, "It would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic." We know what really killed him.

114

Lawton Chiles · 68

April 3rd, 1930 - December 12th, 1998

Appropriately, they called him "Walkin' Lawton," after he crisscrossed the state of Florida on foot during a Senate campaign. Now, just as appropriately, they call him "mulch."

113

Morris Udall · 76

June 15th, 1922 - December 12th, 1998

No Mo.

112

Archie Moore · 81

December 13th, 1916 - December 9th, 1998

In his amazing 27-year career, he knocked out more opponents than any other boxer (141), and was the only man to face both Rocky Marciano and Muhammad Ali. Sure, he lost this battle, but look how much softening up it took before Death could count him out.

111

Michael Zaslow · 56

November 1st, 1942 - December 6th, 1998

Recently starred in One Life To Live, and now provides us with substantiation of that maxim.

110

Al Gore, Sr. · 90

December 26th, 1907 - December 5th, 1998

The truth shall rise again, but this guy won't.

109

John Stanford · 60

September 14th, 1938 - November 28th, 1998

He kicked butt in 'Nam. He mowed 'em down in Desert Storm. Man, those Seattle school kids are tough.

108

Flip Wilson · 64

December 8th, 1933 - November 25th, 1998

He always claimed that the Devil made him do it, but in this case, the culprit was liver cancer.

107

Dick Sisler · 78

November 2nd, 1920 - November 20th, 1998

Hemingway wrote about him in The Old Man and the Sea. A baseball player. What the fuck?

106

Tase Matunaga · 114

November 5, 1884 - November 18th, 1998

At 114, she was Japan's oldest living person. No wonder sushi is so expensive.

105

Weeb Ewbank

November 17th, 1998

He once coached the Jets to a Super Bowl victory, which is akin to ... well, we don't know what it's akin to, but it's pretty fucking amazing.

104

Stokely Carmichael

November 15th, 1998

This leader of the American civil rights movement of the 1960s, and onetime prime minister of the Black Panthers, left the United States for Africa in 1969, taking the name Kwame Ture. In the late '70s, he moved again and began calling himself Johnny Bravo. Finally, just before his death, he retired to a nursing home in Redondo Beach, and settled on the name Gidget.

103

Valerie Hobson · 81

April 14th, 1917 - November 13th, 1998

Talk about bad luck. First, she's born a Brit. Then, her husband is exposed as the central figure in a big sex and security scandal, but it happens 30 years before Hard Copy, so she can't cash in. Now she's dead, and she's only on one list! What a pisser.

102

Red Holzman · 78

August 10th, 1920 - November 13th, 1998

The old give and go.

101

Bob Kane · 83

October 24th, 1915 - November 3rd, 1998

Batman, schmatman. Every idiot on the planet wants to talk about some rich fruitcake in tights who spends all his time dressing up and running around with a little boy. Hello? This is the same guy who gave us Courageous Cat and Cool McCool. Now there's some goddamned heroes.

100

Burton Cross · 95

November 15th, 1902 - October 22nd, 1998

Once governor of Maine, he lost his re-election bid to political powerhouse Edmund Muskie. No wonder we never heard of him.

Clark Clifford · 91

December 25th, 1906 - October 10th, 1998

The colossal cosmic clock clangs out closing time for Cliffy. This clandestine, client-collecting clown has climbed into the clay and clover club. Clearly, we have closure.

Hugh Finn · 44

May 20th, 1954 - October 9th, 1998

And who the fuck is Hugh Finn?

Mark Belanger

October 6th, 1998

For God's sake, when are the people of Baltimore going to learn to stay the hell away from Boog's Bar-B-Q?!

Roddy McDowall · 70

September 17th, 1928 - October 3rd, 1998

Forgive us if we wax nostalgic for a moment, but our feelings for this actor simply cannot go unspoken. There was something about his face, or maybe it was the way he spoke, that made us just want to kick his teeth in.

Denny Welch · 38

October 1st, 1960 - October 2nd, 1998

Only in America. Under the name "Eartha Quake," this 800-pound former exotic dancer gained national fame when good samaritan Jerry Springer used his obesity as a cause celebre. They had to knock over a wall to get Eartha out of his house and into a hospital. What a touching story. Of course, this was all before he pled no contest to charges that he let three young boys watch porno movies at his place. We're not making this stuff up, folks.

Korla Pandit · 77

September 16th, 1921 - October 1st, 1998

Actually, Zach met this guy once. He was like a Chihuahua in a turban.

Dan Quisenberry · 45

February 7th, 1953 - September 30th, 1998

Whoops, here comes the skipper, and it looks like he's bringing the hook.

Tom Bradley

September 29th, 1998

Julie (that bitch) was unavailable for comment.

Betty Carter · 69

May 16th, 1929 - September 26th, 1998

Baby, it's downright freezing outside.

Mary Frann · 55

February 27th, 1943 - September 23rd, 1998

Serves her right for trying to fill Suzanne Pleshette's girdle.

Deavours Nix

September 19th, 1998

Ixnay on the acistray.

Red Hoff · 107

August 5, 1891 - September 17th, 1998

He claimed to have struck out Ty Cobb once. Makes a nice story, except that he also claimed to have discovered Jupiter.

John Holliman · 49

October 23rd, 1948 - September 12th, 1998

Car crash. End of story.

Leonid Kinskey · 95

April 18th, 1903 - September 8th, 1998

We're no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of one little character actor don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

Akira Kurosawa · 88

March 23rd, 1910 - September 6th, 1998

If he was such a great director, how come they never let him do any of the Godzilla movies?

Leo Penn · 77

August 27th, 1921 - September 5th, 1998

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but cancer'll kick your ass no matter what your last name is.

Walter Benz

September 4th, 1998

Man, when these things break down, they really break down.

Lewis Powell · 90

September 19th, 1907 - August 25th, 1998

This Nixon Supreme Court appointee belonged to whites-only organizations and kept gay sex illegal. What a dick.

Woody Stephens · 84

September 1st, 1913 - August 21st, 1998

It's really too bad. Such a great career, but then Woody snapped a fetlock, and had to be destroyed.

Jim Murray · 78

December 29th, 1919 - August 16th, 1998

Pretty pathetic that nobody had him in any of five different games, and if you think we're gonna relax The Jim Murray Rule just 'cause he's dead, you got another thing coming.

Phil Leeds · 82

April 6th, 1916 - August 16th, 1998

He was one of those guys who played a million bit parts on a zillion crappy TV shows, but his real claim to fame was as the dog catcher in the movie that stands as the all-time greatest source for Dead Pool candidates: Won Ton Ton, The Dog Who Saved Hollywood. Rent it tonight, and make a few lists.

Rose Blumkin

August 8th, 1998

A blumkin by any other name, would smell as -- wait, that's not right. Well, she's dead, anyway.

Shari Lewis · 65

January 17th, 1933 - August 2nd, 1998

Apparently, uterine cancer can result from prolonged, direct contact with mutton.

Milan Kovacevic · 57

February 10th, 1941 - August 1st, 1998

He was a former anesthesiologist and mayor of Prijedor. Not much of a celebrity by our standards, but hey, it's Serbia.

Buffalo Bob Smith · 80

November 27th, 1917 - July 30th, 1998

Hey, kids, what time is it!? Time to put stinky old Bob in the ground, that's what time it is.

Jerome Robbins

July 29th, 1998

This is truly a tragedy. No, not because of all that stupid dancing stuff, but this is the guy who was personally responsible for creating 22 of the original 31 flavors.

Tal Farlow · 77

June 7th, 1921 - July 25th, 1998

Fart allow ...

L.A. Art Wolf ...

All fat row ...

Fallow rat ...

Sometimes when we can't think of a good blurb, we just make anagrams from the dead guy's name.

Lola F. Wart ...

This is one of those times.

Robert Young

July 21st, 1998

While the titles of the two shows he's best known for, Father Knows Best and Marcus Welby, M.D., would indicate a man of some intelligence, the truth is that behind that bemused smile lurked a complete moron.

Alan Shepard

July 21st, 1998

The right stiff.

Roy Rogers · 86

November 5th, 1911 - July 6th, 1998

Happy trails to you . . .

Sid Luckman

July 5th, 1998

He had it all. He did it all. He ate too much kielbasa.

Virginia Guynes

July 2nd, 1998

... Demi's Mom kicked the bucket. Yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus, but now you're both dead.

Robert George · 74

June 1st, 1924 - July 1st, 1998

He was the official Santa Claus to six U.S. Presidents, with 38 Santa outfits, and a year-round Yuletide display, and yet, no one ever questioned his sanity. Then, the very day after he ho-ho-hoed his last ...

Glenn Montgomery

June 28th, 1998

This former defensive lineman for the Oilers and Seahawks succumbed to Lou Gehrig's disease, but was heard to remark that he did not consider himself one of the luckiest men on the face of the Earth.

Maureen O'Sullivan

June 22nd, 1998

She managed to salvage her career by starring in A Day At The Races, right in the middle of a whole string of idiotic movies that featured her running around the jungle with a chimp and a guy in a diaper.

Leo Buscaglia · 74

March 31st, 1924 - June 12th, 1998

Hug this, you fruitcake you.

Sani Abacha

June 8th, 1998

What, you never heard of him? He was the Nigerian dictator who, after promising a return to democratic elections, forced all registering parties to name him as their Presidential candidate. This was a guy who knew how to dictate.

Jeanette Nolan

June 5th, 1998

If you've ever doubted the corrupting influence of Hollywood, consider Ms. Nolan's career. She made her film debut in 1948 as Lady Macbeth opposite Orson Welles. Two years later, she played Ma Higgins in Saddle Tramp, and by '57, she was portraying Chottsie Gubenheimer on Wagon Train. We're not making this stuff up, folks.

Shirley Povich · 92

July 15th, 1905 - June 4th, 1998

He was Maury's father, and he wrote for the Washington Post for more than 70 years, but that didn't stop him from being listed in 1962's Who's Who Of American Women. This guy got around.

Barry Goldwater · 89

January 2nd, 1909 - May 29th, 1998

Bury Goldwater.

Phil Hartman · 49

September 24th, 1948 - May 28th, 1998

This is a weird one. He was a celebrity AND a Canadian, and we still liked him. Go figure.

Todd Witsken · 34

November 4th, 1963 - May 25th, 1998

He could handle the overhead lob, but not the in-the-head blob.

Robert Morgan · 70

July 23rd, 1927 - May 22nd, 1998

The bossest of the Boss Jocks is #8 with a bullet on Julie's hit list. That BITCH!

Montie Montana · 87

June 21st, 1910 - May 20th, 1998

He was actually from the town of Bennington, but somehow, Vermie Vermont just didn't sound right.

Karolj Seles · 72

May 1st, 1926 - May 14th, 1998

The King of the Yugoslavian tennis-Dad editorial cartoonists is toast.

Marjory Douglas · 108

July 4, 1890 - May 14th, 1998

The ashes of this champion of the Florida Everglades will be scattered over her beloved wetlands. She'll then become one of the few people for whom the epithet "pond scum" accurately applies.

Frank Sinatra · 82

December 12th, 1915 - May 14th, 1998

"Put a coupla pennies on Ol' Blue Eyes .... He's a goner."
No, that's no good. We gotta do better than that. How 'bout
"Start spreadin' the news -- he's dead."
No, that's lame. This death is big. This death is bigger than big. It's huge. We need something really fantastic, like
"The Chairman is as stiff as a board."
That sucks. Dammit, we've got to think harder!
"From Here To Eternity."
Awful.
"Shot down in May."
Pathetic. Wait a sec,
"He did it--"
No, no, that's worse than the Henny Youngman thing. Jesus, the pressure is killing us. Do you people have any idea what this is like? Seventy-five million of you bloodthirsty sons-of-bitches are gonna be checking into this site right here, just to see what we write about Frank, and you know what? Yeah, he was a big star and a boozer and a womanizer and a pig and everything, but we know you bastards, and you're vicious. You're gonna want us to go for the jugular on this one, and man, we just weren't ready. Yeah, yeah, we shoulda seen it coming, it's true, but, jeez, the guy's like a statue or something, you know? Somehow, we just couldn't imagine it really, actually happening. And now it's happened, and we're completely stuck. Shit. We're fucked. We've been waiting and waiting for them to plant this old fart and put us in the spotlight, and now that baby's trained right on us, and we don't know what the hell to do. Okay, hang on. We've just got to pull it together and give it our best shot. Okay. Let's take a deep breath. We can get through this. Alright. Here we go. Ready?
"He's been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet -- and now he's a corpse."
God, that's horrible. Sorry.

Alice Faye · 83

May 5th, 1915 - May 9th, 1998

Alice doesn't live anywhere anymore.

Eddie Rabbitt · 56

November 27th, 1941 - May 7th, 1998

He was drivin' his life away, AND he loved a rainy night, which is a dangerous combination. Then he went and died of cancer. Silly Rabbitt.

James Earl Ray · 70

March 10th, 1928 - April 23rd, 1998

And STAY DOWN, you redneck bastard!

Octavio Paz

April 19th, 1998

Not only was he Mexico's leading literary figure (which isn't saying much) but he had completely cornered the Central American market for those cute little candy dispensers.

Linda Schele · 55

October 30th, 1942 - April 18th, 1998

The noted Mayan scholar and historian, of course. Not only did we not know who she was when she was alive, but she was dead for a week before somebody finally pointed out that she was on a list. What are we, the goddamned FBI?

Terry Sanford · 80

August 20th, 1917 - April 18th, 1998

A former Senator, Governor and University President who twice ran for the Democratic Presidential nomination, but you can bet that if he weren't on 59 lists, we wouldn't even be talking about him.

Linda McCartney · 56

September 24th, 1941 - April 17th, 1998

We think Paul really put things in the proper perspective when he said, "Go veggie."

Marie-Louise Meilleur · 117

December 31, 1880 - April 16th, 1998

Though she didn't quite make it to 118, she is survived by 4 of her 10 children, 85 grandchildren, 80 great-grandchildren, and 57 great-great-grandchildren. What a slut!

Pol Pot · 72

May 19th, 1925 - April 15th, 1998

What an asshole. Not only does he slaughter a million innocent people, but now we gotta rename that damned provision again.

Maurice Stans

April 14th, 1998

Some people called him a space cowboy.

Frederick Lenz · 48

February 9th, 1950 - April 12th, 1998

The author of "Surfing The Himalayas" and "Snowboarding To Nirvana" is now shooting the curl with Kurt.

Wendy Williams · 48

May 28th, 1949 - April 7th, 1998

This one's bound to send shock waves through the music industry.

Tammy Wynette

April 6th, 1998

D-E-F-U-N-C-T.

Cozy Powell

April 5th, 1998

There's a fine line between cozy and squashed flat.

Rob Pilatus

April 4th, 1998

He's probably faking this too, the drug-addict, Eurotrash weirdo.

Tim Flock · 73

May 11th, 1924 - March 31st, 1998

Good riddance to him and all the other Seagulls.

Bella Abzug · 77

July 24th, 1920 - March 31st, 1998

Her name, translated into English, means "beautiful earwig."

Chris Trickle · 24

May 30th, 1973 - March 25th, 1998

Trickle down, and Trickle out.

Benjamin Spock · 94

May 2nd, 1903 - March 15th, 1998

Fittingly, his final words were said to be "Goo goo, ga ga."

Beatrice Wood · 93

March 3rd, 1905 - March 12th, 1998

The Mama of Dada bites the big dirt tostada.

Lloyd Bridges · 85

January 15th, 1913 - March 10th, 1998

Looks like he picked the wrong week to stop breathing.

Sonny Bloch · 61

March 1st, 1937 - March 10th, 1998

We don't have a good blurb for this guy, but he was the inspiration for something called "The Sonny Bloch Situation" (now obsolete). Don't you wish you'd found this site a long time ago?

James McDougal · 57

August 25th, 1940 - March 8th, 1998

Old McDougal bought the farm (Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh) ...

Ray Nitschke · 61

December 29th, 1936 - March 8th, 1998

He was one mean son-of-a-bitschke.

Fred Friendly · 82

October 30th, 1915 - March 4th, 1998

That's not his real name, of course. Before launching his distinguished career in broadcast journalism, he had the good sense to change it from the one he was born with, Johnny Blowitoutyourass.

Henry Commager · 95

October 25th, 1902 - March 2nd, 1998

Some old guy.

Todd Duncan · 95

February 12th, 1903 - February 28th, 1998

You gets a little dead and you lands right here.

J.T. Walsh · 54

September 28th, 1943 - February 27th, 1998

He made his first movie in 1983, and he's been in 57 since then. No wonder he died.

Rockin Sidney · 59

April 9th, 1938 - February 25th, 1998

Apparently, somebody messed with his Toot Toot, whatever the fuck that is.

Henny Youngman · 91

March 16th, 1906 - February 24th, 1998

The worst thing about losing The King of the One-Liners is that even though it's the most obvious, worn-out, dull, insipid, overused, unfunny, hackneyed, banal, pedestrian, trite (not to mention stupid) obit line imaginable, we got e-mail from about 50 of you idiots telling us that the blurb on Henny shoulda been, "Take my life .... Please." Leave this stuff to the experts, huh? Please.

Antonio Prohias · 77

January 17th, 1921 - February 24th, 1998

He created "Spy Vs. Spy" for Mad magazine. Now we'll never know who wins.

Abraham Ribicoff · 87

April 9th, 1910 - February 22nd, 1998

Cross this dybbuk off.

Chuck Humphrey

February 20th, 1998

Somebody's gonna have to explain this whole Heaven's Gate thing to us. Yeah, it's a pretty bad movie, but it couldn't possibly be as bad as Beaches, and you almost never hear about people killing themselves over that.

Grandpa Jones · 84

October 20th, 1913 - February 19th, 1998

The amazing thing is that after having candied yams, butter beans, corn bread and gravy and blueberry cobbler every night for supper, he still lived to be 84.

Harry Caray · 83

March 1st, 1914 - February 18th, 1998

Now that's kind of sad. We were convinced that one day, while singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," Harry was gonna fall right out of the booth, and we wanted to see it.

Ernst Junger · 102

December 31, 1895 - February 17th, 1998

As an influential and successful warrior-author, he was heavily courted by the then-emerging Nazis, but declined to join the party. He opted instead for the more extremist, fringe groups of the time. Sounds like a fun date.