You’re closing in on the promised land, brothers and sisters, but there’s some crucial info you’re going to need to help you cross over. Anyway, you can’t have much more fun with a keyboard than you’ll have using The stiffs.com Select-O-Matic to create and enter your lists. Arguably the most successful symbiosis of computer technology and human function since the Orgasmatron, the Select-O-Matic is a veritable cyberboner.

We’ll get to the cyberboner in a minute, but first, YOU MUST READ THIS PAGE in order to get a basic understanding of the rules. If you want more detail, you can always follow the links to our usual boring dissertations, but the stuff on this page is absolutely required. Also worth knowing is that once again, we’re joining forces with the late, great Pistol Pete Maravich to try and save you some money. In the meantime, here’s that mind-numbing prize breakdown we mentioned on some other part of the site.

Yeah, yeah – no more cash.  We know.  The lawyers said something about “It’s not really gambling, but the banks hate you giving away cash, so you have to give prizes, blah blah blah.”  We weren’t really listening, honestly – these people should know by now that happy hour starts at 10am and ends at 4pm (then starts again at 5pm).  But we learned a long time ago not to piss off banks or lawyers – so here we are.  What we have now is tiers of prizes from which you can choose – so check it:

Tier 1 Prizes

• 60 inch LED HDTV – INSANE for watching porn.  Trust us.
• Vegas Vacation (2 nights in a room at The Hard Rock Hotel, Show Tickets and 2 gourmet lunches and dinners) – everything is legal there.  Lots of trouble to be had.
• A brand new MacBook Air – 13 inch, latest model, 128GB storage – for browsing your favorite website.  Or Stiffs.com – whatever.

Tier 2 Prizes

• iPad Mini – 32GB, latest model – It’s like an iPad, but smaller!
• 32 inch HD TV – still really, really good for watching porn

Tier 3 Prizes

• Apple TV – it connects to your TV and does a bunch of stuff.  Ask Apple.
• Apple Watch – connects to your smartphone and does all kinds of shit.
• Remote controlled quadcopter with built in camera – for MAKING porn.  Of your neighbors.

 For the Lee Atwater Invitational Dead Pool – the Big 12 month game

First Place = Pick any prize from Tier 1
2nd Place = Pick any prize from Tier 2
3rd Place = Pick any prize from Tier 3
4th Place = Pick any prize from Tier 3
5th and 6th Place = A free Stiffs.com shirt AND mug AND a free entry!
7th Place = A free stiffs.com shirt AND mug!
8th Place = A free stiffs.com shirt!
9th Place = A free stiffs.com mug!
10th Place = Free entry in the stiffs.com contest of your choosing!

For The Lee Jr. – the six month, but still really cool game AND

For the Three Bagger – the all-new, different-than-the others game:

First place = 70% of the prize pool in tiered prizes
Second Place = 20% of the prize pool in tiered prizes
Third Place = 10% of the prize pool in tiered prizes
Fourth and Fifth place = your choice of a Stiffs.com mug or shirt!
Sixth and Seventh Place = Free entry in the stiffs.com contest of your choosing!

Ready to claim your piece of that pie? Here are The Ten Commandments Of Death:

• Each entry is made up of 10 famous people, listed in the order of their certainty. The one you think is most likely to die should be #1 on your list.

• For the Lee Games, whoever gets the most deaths wins, but in the event of any ties, points are awarded according to position. Number 1 is worth 10 points, #2 is worth 9 points, etc. These points ONLY come into play in case of ties. The number of deaths is the primary factor in winning the game.  For the Three Bagger, the game runs until one or more people get three hits.  The the positions are decided by points.   [more detail]

• The number eleven slot on each list is for an alternate, which is ONLY used if one of your other ten celebs dies, or is discovered to be dead, between when you submit your list and when the game starts. The alternate is NEVER used under any other circumstances. [more detail]

• You can’t kill anybody, or even try to scare them or make them sick or anything.

• You may only list human beings, and they must be what WE consider celebrities. There are two ways for candidates to qualify as celebrities.

• The people in the Select-O-Matic are all considered celebrities. That’s one way, OR

• You may write in any name that’s not on that list and it will be submitted to The stiffs.com Fame Committee. If 15% or more of the Committee Members can positively identify a write-in candidate by NAME ALONE, that name will be ruled Famous. If less than 15% can ID a name to the satisfaction of The Commissioner, that candidate will be ruled Not Famous. [more detail]

• Any candidate ruled Not Famous by the Committee is disqualified for the duration of this game. Disqualified names will NOT be replaced by alternates and all rulings by the Committee are FINAL.

• No other definitions of celebrity have any bearing on this contest, including those from prior stiffs.com games. The rulings made by The stiffs.com Fame Committee are completely independent of all other measures of fame.

That pretty much covers the basics. If you’re some kind of fine print pervert, you can read the official rules. Or you can give us a little RESPECT, and read about how it all evolved to this point.

If you’re ready to enter online right now, and you have a credit card, it’s time to say hello to The stiffs.com Select-O-Matic.

Still confused?  Did you check the FAQ?  If you’ve got unanswered questions, by all means, drop us a line. We ain’t gonna tell you shit, but we love reading the questions. Let the dying begin!