If, for some reason, this is the first page of our site that you’re looking at, you’ll just have to trust us when we tell you that answering the question “What is a celebrity?” is not as simple as it might seem. This is the multi-horned perplexity that’s been gnawing at the frayed edges of our brains for over eight years, and we still haven’t nailed it down. It’s complex and ever-changing! Aaagh!! We now concede, in fact, that it can’t be done, at least not to our satisfaction. After changing the rules a half-dozen times, we’re throwing in the towel, so to speak, and we’re not even going to try to define it anymore. These last-ditch attempts right here (this and the FBIE) were our final shots at it, and we still got dozens and dozens and dozens of names of people nobody ever heard of. Not at all what we were after when we started this twisted little amusement. So, we embrace The Kim Perrot Renovation, which takes all the carefully-worded exercises in analytical objectivity that we’ve been painstakingly constructing since the beginning of time, and flushes them down the fucking toilet. Until The September ’99 Lee Jr. had run its course, this baby still applied, which is why it’s printed here; but don’t think for one second that it’ll have any bearing on The 2005 Lee Atwater. This shit is over. Say goodbye to it, word by word:

“If a person is known more for being related to someone famous (either by birth, marriage, or romantic connection), than for deeds or accomplishments of their own, then that person’s death shall not be credited. Some examples of this exception would be Nexhmije Hoxha (wife of former Albanian ruler), Hunter Kelly (son of a quarterback) and Irmalin DiCaprio (Leonardo’s mom). None of those people will qualify, even if they do get obits.”

There was a little more to it than just that — some mumbo-jumbo or other about exceptions to the exception, and parties unencumbered by any exclusivity clause thereof, and then lists of people eligible and ineligible for arbitration — but it’s such a confusing bunch of garbage that we don’t want to clutter anyone’s mind with it any longer. It’s history anyway. So, do yourself (and us) a favor and stop reading about our embarrassing past failures, and move on to the future. It looks delightfully dark for the rich and feeble.