Hate Now And Avoid The Rush!


     It occurred to us recently that, although there are many fields from which Hate Lists are harvested, the most fertile of these are cold, withered and fallow during the wintry season of The Invitational. By the time December rolls around, the annual summer assault we get from things like bad baseball announcers, blockbuster film promotions, and hype for the upcoming fall television season has faded, somewhat. Not only do we feel that the timing is unfair to the hundreds of celebrities who might otherwise get their due, but we don't want to wait 'til December. We want to submit Hate Lists now.

     So here they are. Fully paid for under The Pistol Pete Maravich 3-To-Make-2 deal, these are our individual Hate Lists for The June '99 Lee Jr., amen. Of course, for legal reasons, these entries of ours won't count in the standings, and have little value beyond the therapeutic. But, that's as it should be. Know, too, that we're not submitting these for your entertainment or approval; like all Hate Lists, these are very personal, and we don't give a shit what you think of our selections. That being said, we share, herewith, our humble efforts, and hope that you enjoy the venom. Chug-a-lug.

    Zachlisted: The Hollywood Eleven
  1. John Henson
    (This one comes from the heart. Pure, unadulterated, white-hot hate.) 10 pts.
  2. Rick Monday
    (He's actually a worse announcer than he was last year.) 9 pts.
  3. Sam Waterston
    (Is that a speech impediment, or is he just drunk all the time?) 8 pts.
  4. Joe Morgan
    (If Joe's doing the game, turn off the sound.) 7 pts.
  5. Jenny Jones
    (The expression "dumb as a rock" doesn't really tell you how dumb she is.) 6 pts.
  6. Anthony Edwards
    (He's no brain surgeon either. Wait, is he?) 5 pts.
  7. Jim Rome
    (Some sort of bizarre cross between an evil sports robot and George Hamilton.) 4 pts.
  8. Richard Riordan
    (More than anything else, it's that stupid laugh.) 3 pts.
  9. Winona Ryder
    (She's so stuck up, she never calls me anymore.) 2 pts.
  10. Mark McGwire
    (If he picks up that fat kid of his one more time ....) 1 pt.
  11. Tom Green, the Pepsi One guy
    (Upstart rookie. His next job, if it's on-screen, could take him right to the top.) alternate
    Hicks' Mix of Pricks
  1. Shaquille O'Neal
    (Big stinker!) 10 pts.
  2. Jim Harrick
    (Fat fatty.) 9 pts.
  3. Steve Wojciechowski
    (Duke rhymes with puke.) 8 pts.
  4. George Raveling
    (Is that a speech impediment, or is he just drunk all the time?) 7 pts.
  5. Dan Rather
    (Not funny.) 6 pts.
  6. Jim Harrick, Jr.
    (Chip off the old blockhead.) 5 pts.
  7. Tim Kawakami
    (Dickless local wordsmith.) 4 pts.
  8. Chris Roberts
    (Is it a foul ...? Is it a timeout ...?) 3 pts.
  9. Chris Columbus
    (If you saw a bad movie in the '90s, it's 50-50 that this guy directed it.) 2 pts.
  10. Mark McGwire's fat kid
    (If he gets to be the bat boy one more time ....) 1 pt.
  11. Dick Vitale
    (No explanation needed.) alternate
    Fucko Hate
  1. Officer Mark
    (May you be mercilessly punked by the biggest mothers in the joint.) 10 pts.
  2. Sherman Hemsley
    (Yeah, it was a while back, but I still remember. You just can't treat people like that and get away with it, you know what I'm sayin'?) 9 pts.
  3. Rosie O'Donnell
    (This goddamned cow just NEVER ... SHUTS ... UP!!!) 8 pts.
  4. Sarcasm Man
    (I would enjoy your randomness a great deal more if it was internal.) 7 pts.
  5. Madeleine Albright
    (Fuckin' cunt.) 6 pts.
  6. Kobe Bryant
    (Her too, the little bitch.) 5 pts.
  7. Jason Arvey
    (What's it like to have all that education and still be a loser?) 4 pts.
  8. Keanu Reeves
    (I got your matrix right here, you little dipstick.) 3 pts.
  9. Phil Rizzuto
    (Holy cow, I'll fuckin' kill you.) 2 pts.
  10. Annika Sorenstam
    (You a skanky little Swedish golf-whore dog, ain't you?) 1 pt.
  11. Ted Koppel
    (Smart-ass motherfucker.) alternate


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