Hate List 2000

     What, is this news to you? We've been doing it for years, and so would you, if you had any brains in your head. As a matter of fact, we're pretty tired of writing about it time after time.      So, you'll peruse, you'll ponder, you'll maybe learn a little something. Look, do we have to explain every single fershlugginer thing, with the four-part harmony and the pie-charts, for crying out loud? Okay, then. Shut up and read.
    Zach: Hate Rollercoaster
  1. Rick Monday
    (Climbing for the 3rd successive year, he finally reaches the pinnacle of hate. I would give my left nut for him to disappear, and that's my favorite one.) 10 pts.
  2. Adam Sandler
    (I used to think it was a mystery that he was so popular. Now I think he's the anti-Christ. Please, let me do it.) 9 pts.
  3. Keith Olbermann
    (The pride of the Fox Sports Network, which is perfect.) 8 pts.
  4. Bruce Willis
    (You. Can't. Act.) 7 pts.
  5. Terry Bradshaw
    (Makes Chris Berman look smart.) 6 pts.
  6. John Henson
    (My TV is broken, but if I see him once, it's right back to the top.) 5 pts.
  7. Steve Lyons
    (The joke of the Fox Sports Network.) 4 pts.
  8. David Letterman
    (Hasn't been funny for over a decade. Say goodnight, Dave.) 3 pts.
  9. Emmitt Smith
    (Somehow, Walter Payton is dead, and this asshole's still playing.) 2 pts.
  10. Calista Flockhart
    (Nobody cares if you ever eat again, okay?) 1 pt.
  11. Jerry Seinfeld
    (Has never been funny. Off the air's not good enough, I want him deceased.) alternate
    Greg: Jungle Hate
  1. Dick Vitale
    (Where's the Heart Attack Fairy when you really need her?) 10 pts.
  2. Rick Monday
    (Hopefully following in the footsteps of Don Drysdale.) 9 pts.
  3. Georgia Frontiere
    (It's been 5 years since she left town. Behold the power of hate.) 8 pts.
  4. Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton
    (Sports radio dick #1, and that's not easy to do.) 7 pts.
  5. Ben Maller
    (Sports radio dick #2, but not by much.) 6 pts.
  6. Dave Smith
    (Sports radio dick #3. If that seems unimpressive, remember that there are 14,865,000 sports radio dicks.) 5 pts.
  7. Shaquille O'Neal
    (Respectable on every level, except as a human and as a player.) 4 pts.
  8. Michael Bay
    (Directed "Armageddon," which, if you saw it, explains everything.) 3 pts.
  9. David Arquette
    (Dial 1-800-K-I-L-L-Y-O-U.) 2 pts.
  10. Vic "The Brick" Jacobs
    (One hate, people. King Flavor is in the toilet.) 1 pt.
  11. Barbra Streisand
    (For old time's sake.) alternate
    Drew: Muskrat Hate
  1. David Duke
    (F.) 10 pts.
  2. Kerri Strug
    (U.) 9 pts.
  3. Jesse Helms
    (C.) 8 pts.
  4. Pat Buchanan
    (K.) 7 pts.
  5. Rush Limbaugh
    (Y.) 6 pts.
  6. Asa Hutchinson
    (O.) 5 pts.
  7. Arianna Huffington
    (U.) 4 pts.
  8. Ryan Leaf
    (In the ass, punk.) 3 pts.
  9. Cade McNown
    (Double punk.) 2 pts.
  10. Steve Yeager
    (Stick another broken bat in his neck.) 1 pt.
  11. Kelly Tripucka
    (Can't even say it without making a face.) alternate
    Fucko: P.S. I Hate You
  1. Officer Mark
    (I piss into your open wounds, pig-boy.) 10 pts.
  2. George C. Scott
    (And STAY DEAD, you scuzz!!) 9 pts.
  3. Greg's Stupid-Ass Dog
    (I swear I'm gonna cook you, you dumb bitch.) 8 pts.
  4. Regis Philbin
    (Just GIMME THE FUCKING MONEY, SHITHEAD!!!) 7 pts.
  5. Tiger Woods
    (Unless you already threw it into THIS black hole. What a punk.) 6 pts.
  6. Hillary Clinton
    (For once in your super-charged, slut-machine, robo-skag life, would you just return a goddamned PHONE CALL!?) 5 pts.
  7. Sherman Hemsley
    (No, I still haven't forgotten, you FUCK! I owe you.) 4 pts.
  8. Dyan Cannon
    (Hey, have ANOTHER collagen cocktail, fishface.) 3 pts.
  9. Adam Duritz
    (Junior, if you don't stop singin' like that, I'm gonna ram your blow-dryer right up your scabby little ass.) 2 pts.
  10. Zachariah Love
    (Yeah, that's right, and what are you gonna do about it, dickless?) 1 pt.
  11. Boston Bank Pricks 1-4
    (Together, these pussies almost make a whole person, but I'd still rather eat my own shit than have to think about her.) alternate

Featured Features
What's A Feature? | This Year's Deaths | The Blurb Of The Week
Our Candlelight Vigil | Op. Ed. Hotbed | The Hate List | Three Thumbs Up
Buttload O' Links | Really Old Shit | The Back Page

The Front Page | The Game | Interaction