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- Who is Lee Atwater?
The man we named our beloved contest after was a political go-getter (i.e. scumbag) for the Republican party back in the 1980s. When the two lists for our very first game were turned in (December, 1990), Atwater was on both of them, due to a brain tumor the size of a cantaloupe. Lee succumbed to the malignant melon in March, and turned out to be the only stiff scored by either player for the year.
- How did this sickness all start?
Read this.
- How do I play the game?
Read this.
- What's the deal with the points?
Hmm. You really need to read this.
- D'you guys have a privacy policy?
As a matter of fact, yes, we do.
- How 'bout a page with just the rules, without all that goofy bullshit? Sure, pal, take it easy. The Official Rules for the 2005 Invitational are right here, and the legal garbage for the last Lee Jr. is on this page.
- What is The stiffs.com Select-O-Matic?
The stiffs.com Select-O-Matic is the world's first and only fully-automated dead-pool-list-maker-upper. Driven by the awe-inspiring power of the Z-5000, it's stocked with more than 1800 pre-approved celebrities, and features the Single-clicker Action-picker and Whispersleek page-reloader technology.
- And what the hell is the Z-5000?
The Z-5000 is our trusty super-duper-computer, created from scratch by tech-savants Kelly Bakst and James Zack. This colossal machine powers the entire stiffs.complex, handles the data-manipulation and administrative tasks for more than 650 Dead Pool contests around the globe, and can make a perfect martini in just seconds! It was built in the early spring of '98, using only spare vacuum-cleaner parts and a Performa 450. It remains one of the landmark technical achievements of the 20th century. Behold the Z-5000.
- Did you know your celeb list is missing some people?
Yeah, we know. There's gotta be hundreds and thousands of famous names that didn't make our Good To Go page. We weren't trying to get 'em all because it's not possible to get 'em all. Got one you want to put on one of your entries? You can submit it as a write-in candidate, but you'd better read this first.
- Can you tell me if one of my names is famous?
Nope. You're on your own. Read this.
- How come we can't submit write-ins through the mail?
The problem here is with the performance of the U.S. Mail. See, write-in names have to be sent to our Fame Committee for approval, which always takes a couple of weeks. We send them a big batch of names right after the entry deadline passes, and then we wait for the responses. Meanwhile, envelopes are being delivered to our P.O. Box for weeks. Seriously, we've gotten entries that were postmarked in December as late as the end of January. Now, if late arrivals have write-in names, we have to go through the e-mailing and waiting process all over again. Heck, the earliest we can hope to have gotten every entry is about the 15th, and that means we can never get the game posted until there's already a couple of dead people. Not good. We're trying to cut down on that lag time, and we think this'll help us do it.
- What if I enter once and then enter again later — do I still get the Pistol Pete deal?
Negatory, good buddy. Doesn't work that way. If you want to take advantage of the Pistol Pete, you have to enter the lists all at once.
- Who is this Pistol Pete?
Get hip, youngster.
- I just entered my list. Where can I find it?
You can't. We don't post any of the entries until after the game has started, so nobody can steal all your ingenious selections. You're welcome.
- Okay, the game just started. Now where's my list?
It usually takes a week or three before we're completely ready to unveil a new game, and there's a couple of good reasons. First of all, the hundreds of lists that were mailed in (y'know, in an envelope) have to be manually entered into our database. That takes time, even if you're sober. Also, we have to get all the responses back from the Fame Committee before we can determine which write-in names are famous and which aren't.
- Can I enter late if nobody on my list is dead yet?
No. Read this.
- How come you won't tell us who the Not Famous are?
We don't want to list those names publicly for a couple of reasons, neither of which are that we're too polite to show the world the kind of nobodies you idiots think are famous. Firstly, suppose some up-and-coming porn starlet gets written in by Mortician Addams for The March Lee Jr., and doesn't get recognized by the FC. Addams happens to know that the starlet's got a weak gag reflex, and he's got a hunch she may bite off more than she can chew one of these days. Then, in April, St. Valentine's Day Assacre, her first starring role, hits the big screen and makes her a household name. By the time The October Lee Jr. rolls around, everybody on the Fame Committee has seen the film at least once, and she's a shoo-in for celebrity status. Why shouldn't Mortician Addams still be able to use his inside info without all the other players knowing that somebody tried to enter her for some reason? (Enter her, get it?) Mort's inside dope has been unfairly devalued, and that's unfair. The second reason we don't list the Not Famous is the confusion factor. Using the same porn starlet scenario as above, if we put her name on a page under the heading "Not Famous," a lot of people will assume that that makes her off-limits for all-time. It doesn't matter what we write, we've been there before, and there would be big trouble. It's worth noting here that the names we do make known, the ones that have been declared Famous, won't change. Those suckers are up for grabs for keeps. You still awake out there?
- When can I submit my list for the next game?
Right now, maybe, but probably not. If we knew, we'd tell you.
- Why is your site so complicated?
To weed out really stupid people. It kinda works.
- What's with all the Kurt Cobain bashing?
We're not bashing the guy — we like Nirvana. Look, when we first put this site up, Kurt had already been dead for more than two years. But everywhere we went, new magazines were on display featuring Kurt's face on the cover with some blockbuster headline. There were dozens of 'em, and they kept coming, month after month. In fact, they're still putting them out. What the hell could all those stories be? Readers by the millions were being suckered into shelling out $4.95 to find out there was nothing new. As a public service, we decided to let kids keep up with the latest on the country's cutest corpse without having to buy endless collections of clothing ads.
- How much do you guys make off this?
That's really none of your goddamned business, but we're going tell you anyway, just so you'll feel like a heel for asking. Here's an approximated breakdown of expenses vs. gross income for The 2000 Invitational:
Prize payouts ...................................................... $3875.00
ISP and programming costs ................................ $1200.00
Business taxes and fees ....................................... $900.00
Credit card authorization, bank costs .................... $800.00
Outsourcing (graphics, legal, etc.) ........................ $285.00
Incidentals (trophy engraving, etc.) ....................... $100.00
Total Expenses ................................................. $7160.00
Total Entries ................................................................. 899
Bonus lists + consolation prize entries ....................... - 276
Paid Entries .................................................................. 623
× $15.00
Gross Income .................................................... $9345.00
Less Total Expenses ........................................... $7160.00
Net Profit ............................................................ $2185.00
That, split three ways, is what we got for the year. It works out to an average of a little less than 73¢ an hour. Please buy a t-shirt.
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